5 tips for parents who want to calm the sibling chaos

Party Planning
How to plan your kids’ birthday party at home
2020 has drastically changed the way we celebrate. But if this year has taught us anything, it’s that the show must go on, even if that means staying indoors. We still need to celebrate the milestones, both big and small, but now it’s about finding new ways to do it. So if you’re upset your little one won’t get the birthday party they (or you) had hoped, we’ve got some fun DIY ideas, from decorations to games for kids of...
read more
Development Tips
Reframing the conversation around disabilities and differences
Disability can often feel like somewhat of a dirty word, and in many ways has almost come to mean less than...
read more
When I work with parents with more than one child, the number one thing they struggle with is: fighting.
For many parents, our kids not getting along triggers worry deep within us that they may never get along. It can lead to a situation where we react in a knee-jerk, repetitive and loud manner.
Under pressure, parents may yell and punish the offending child. Then everyone feels awful, and you may as well set a 20-minute timer until the next fight because when our reactions are repetitive, knee jerk and loud the one thing we can guarantee is: it is going to happen again. And again.
How we react to sibling fighting matters.
Here are my top five tips for changing our reactions to fighting and therefore the GAME when it comes to sibling struggles:
1. Welcome conflict (and step out of the middle)
Conflict is how our kids learn about power and negotiation. It’s healthy.Next time your kids come running to you with a conflict maybe you could try saying “wow sounds like you guys have a big problem, I wonder how you can solve it?” The less we step in as a habit the less our kids request our involvement in their fights.
2. Be a commentator, not a referee
When they need more support – The trick is being able to be a commentator (who sets a few ground rules) – not a referee.
When we are able to have some basic rules (like, we don’t hit or hurt) our kids are free to get into healthy, noisy conflicts as long as they don’t break the ground rules. When the ground rules get broken we need to set a boundary. But otherwise, just be a commentator and let your kids work it out.
This makes our role clearer, we are just nearby ready to name what’s happening without passing judgment. “you both want the same block….. tricky situation guys.”

3. Spot the protagonist – it nearly always takes two to tango.
We are quick to blame the eldest or one particular child, but stepping back and knowing that two usually play a role in sibling struggles helps to keep us out of a pattern of blaming only one child.
4. Start with connection
You want to connect with both kids, and as crazy as it seems, getting in low and close with the hitter/snatcher/one in the wrong is important.
Finding out what happened, in their words without placing judgment can allow them to feel seen and heard. Try really putting yourself in your child’s shoes and empathise.
This allows them to feel seen and heard which is more likely to prevent repeated fights than punishment or blame.
5. Welcome the feelings
When we can welcome the feelings our kids have about their siblings it helps. You may say to your eldest child “Yeah, it’s really hard being a big brother some days”
Sibling struggles are healthy and very normal. But if they are feeling like they are dominating your space remember that the way we respond will either calm fear and build connection, or fuel the fire and intensify feelings of jealousy.
Related articles
Activities for sibling bonding
Dropping the word ‘No’
The key to calming an over-excited toddler
Other Articles

Toddler Behaviour
The best ways to support your child if they are shy
Socialising is not always a piece of cake. We’ve all felt nervous at times to talk to strangers or be left alone in a new situation. Raising your child can be faced with plenty of obstacles, and if your little one is...
read more
At-home Activities
Making toddler goop
Children of all ages love making and playing with goop! Whilst borax is a common ingredient in goop recipes for older children, it can be a concern for some mamas who's little ones love to put things in their mouth...
read more
Sleep Transitions
ergoPouch’s new Disney collection makes little sleepers’ dreams come true!
Few brands spark such strong emotions in both us parents, and in our kids like Disney can. So, when we heard one of our friends at ergoPouch had teamed up with them for a limited edition collection – we couldn’t contain our excitement. The spring/summer collection comes in three gorgeous designs featuring some of Disney’s all-time favourites from Toy Story, The Lion King and of course, the Disney Princesses. With all the designs coming in...
read more Sign up
Don't miss a thing!
Stay in the loop on all things parenthood as we share tips, hacks, products, inspo & everything in between. We promise not to clutter your inbox.