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All of the crazy things kids do that adults would get sent to jail for

Zofishan Umair

Zofishan Umair

Zofishan is a journalist, humour columnist, and a mum who has survived nappy explosions mid-air. She has over a decade of experience writing for print and online publications and is currently working on her first book.
Created on Oct 30, 2023 · 8 mins read

Kids are smart but also naive. They’re kind of like the masterminds who manage to steal millions from a bank but end up getting caught because they left behind a piece of gum.

There’s DNA all over it, genius!

As babies, they’ll figure out how to use an iPad and swipe and tap on the screen to get what they want. They’ll even learn to unlock your phone and then fill your gallery up with snapshots of their nose, and even add a few glamorous ones of the dog’s butt!

But they’re so naive that they’ll cry their little hearts out when you pretend to take away their nose. (It would be the first and the last time.)

It’s all cute, but combine the two things, and these little guys can do the craziest things that will make you really wonder, “What in the world…”

You probably think I’m exaggerating at this point, but seriously, the world is full of kids who get away with antics far crazier than what my kid has pulled off….so far!

One 10-year-old boy actually managed to steal a penguin from a zoo in France and smuggle it back to the UK in his backpack. His parents had no idea and didn’t know about it the whole time.  The only reason they found out was because that thing needed water and they walked into the bathroom and saw it splashing in the tub.

Was he arrested? Nope. Punished? Nope.

For one, if any adult, sane or otherwise, had tried to pull it off to make a quick buck or just as a dare, they’d have been caught and would have found themselves behind bars.

There would have been consequences.

But no, not for this kid or the millions of little humans that walk this planet with their own get-out-of-jail-free cards. And this penguin-stealing kid isn’t the only one.

There was another kid who decided to take the school bus out for a joy ride. And another one who managed to destroy over $1300 worth of makeup in a Sephora and escape unnoticed.

And if that wasn’t crazy enough, one kid in America managed to sneak onto a plane undetected. I can’t even cut in line without looking suspicious.

So, yes, being a child is like having endless amnesty. Or like having an all-access VIP pass that lets them walk away from collateral damage without any consequences.

Now, I also happened to procreate and therefore have one of my own versions of these tiny criminals. Here are all the crazy things that they do that adults would 100% get sent to jail for:

Destroy and damage property

They may seem small, but they can cause a lot of destruction and damage to property in a very short time. Leave them on the bowl unattended, and you will find a week’s supply of toilet paper clogging the pot in seconds.

The shower? A month’s supply of shampoo went down the drain. Your bedroom? There will be sticky fingers inside your lipsticks and those expensive lotions you use so stringently.

With a plant? Tilted over and dead.

The internet is full of evidence of kids who accidentally smacked flat screens, which makes me shudder and is the stuff of every parent’s worst nightmare. But then they bring out that smile. And those puppy dog eyes. And it becomes your fault for leaving them unsupervised.

My toddler has this superpower. One minute I’ll be super mad at them for breaking a vase or drinking out of the dog’s bowl (it was a phase; don’t ask), and then he’ll make that innocent face that will make your heart melt.

‘Well, at least no one got hurt.’ I would think to myself. And just like that, he would walk free. Forgiven for his crimes. A clean slate. I’m telling you; these little kids are like the sirens of the walking world.  You just can’t stay mad at them.

Eat all the snacks in the pantry

Okay, so maybe this is not a crime that kids or adults go to jail for, but all that sugar and not an inch on their thighs. All they get is a sugar high, while adults get diabetes. Would gym count as a 1-year sentence?

Reckless driving

Hand a toddler a trike and see the number of cars, stationary objects, and walls he rams it into. These guys have no respect for Newton’s laws.

“Hey, watch it, punk!” 

Public Nudity

One minute you are on the phone, and the next you find yourself looking at a bottom aka a tiny diaperless butt.  It’s cute, though, but ….where’s the nappy? Oh crap!

Yes crap, because as you focus your eyes, you do notice traces of brown.  If this little stunt had been pulled off by an adult, they’d be behind bars, but not your toddler. He gets away with a nice, warm bath and a clean new nappy.

And this propensity for showing off their birthday suit isn’t contained to their home, oh no. Our little ones love getting their kit off whenever the mood strikes and, apparently, it strikes at the park, grocery store, and Great Aunt Carol’s 80th.

Petty Theft

“Where’s the granola bar I was halfway through?”
“Where did you get this little toy car? I’m pretty sure it’s not yours.”

Here’s the best part about being a kid. If you like something, you can just grab it and walk out. It doesn’t matter if it’s a toy at a friend’s house, a cute crayon from your art class, or one of those eggs with a toy inside that line up the checkout area of a supermarket.

You simply pick it up and then it is yours.

And if the metal detector does go off, your parents might even just buy it for you to avoid further meltdown-relared embarrassment, while the store assistant thinks, “How cute!”

She’ll even go on to say something naive, such as “Well, he’s just three. He doesn’t know any better.”
But if you’re an adult, you are in a lot of trouble, buddy and this is definitely going on your record.

Sleep Deprivation Torture

The sleep deprivation torture method has nothing on the Chinese water torture method. And I mean nothing. While the latter may be illegal, the former is just as lethal but apparently goes unnoticed and is considered a “normal” part of parenthood.

Your child will wake you up and wail the minute you try get some shut eye. How long can his parents survive without sleep?  Well, I suppose there is only one way to find out.

And guess what, as you gulp down coffee with the hope that you can stay awake long enough to get to work, they’ll decide to take a break and catch up on their zZzs.

(Milk) Drunk and disorderly

The car? In the mall? Half way up the stairs?
These milk drunk babies can call it a day and pass out wherever they want.

But as an adult, taking a nap amidst a grocery run just doesn’t cut it. And, if a toddler wants to rant and rave in public like some sort of unhinged doomsday prophet… well, by all means cutie! Have at it. That’ll teach your parents to open your squeezy pouch the “wrong” way.

If you’re an adult? The police will be called and you’ll be swifty carted away to continue your diatribe while cuffed.

Trespass on property
Do I want some privacy to poop in peace? Yes!
Do I get it? Nope!

Is it a crime for a person to barge into the bathroom and demand a fork or the password to your phone? Yes! Unless you are a toddler. In that case, it is perfectly acceptable.

And if a parent decides to lock the door, they have every right to bang on it and break it down like a SWAT team raiding a drug cartel suspect.

Disturbing the peace

As a young child, you have the right to have fun and party. But add a bouncy castle, some birthday cake, and juice boxes full of sugar, and these sweaty kids party like it’s nobody’s business. Squeals, ear-piercing screams, and “Dance Monkey” on repeat.

Do the neighbours complain? No.
Do they call the cops on you? Oh no!
Do they threaten to deflate the bouncy castle or demand you turn down the noise? NOPE!

Instead, they’re just happy the party’s at your place and simply send an apology text asking if they can pick up their little party animals a little later because they got stuck in traffic.

You look over and notice that their car is in the driveway.
You sigh. Since it is not a crime, you send a polite text back, saying, ‘Sure.’
Then you grab a cup of coffee and continue to serve your 18-year sentence.

Inside, you secretly love every moment of it.

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