How to talk to kids about body safety: the conversations that matter
Content note: This article discusses child sexual abuse, grooming and responding to disclosures. Support details are included at the end.
Conversations about body safety can feel daunting. We worry about saying too much, saying the wrong thing or frightening our children before they are ready, so sometimes, with the best of intentions, we put the conversation off.
But former child-abuse detective and specialist child interviewer Kristi McVee has seen what can happen when children do not have the words to explain that something feels wrong, or a clear idea of who they can tell. In the Things Nobody Tells You episode A former detective on keeping children safe, she turns a frightening subject into something much more practical: small conversations, repeated often, that help children recognise safety and know what to do next.
There is no perfect script, and there doesn’t need to be. What matters more are the everyday moments that teach a child that their body belongs to them, that adults should respect their boundaries and that they can always come to you when something does not feel right.
The goal is not to scare them. It is to prepare them
After years of talking openly about safety at home, Kristi once asked her now-adult daughter whether she had overdone it. Had all that information made her more frightened?
Her daughter’s answer was simple: no. What felt scary was having information without the context or tools to know what to do with it.
“You know what’s scary? When we don’t know what to do. What you taught me was not scary.” – Kristi McVee
That is why body safety works best as part of ordinary family language rather than one serious conversation at the kitchen table. Bath time, bedtime, a car ride or something that comes up on television can all create natural opportunities to talk about bodies, privacy, boundaries and asking for help.
As children grow, those early conversations can grow with them too, moving into consent, friendships, pornography, respectful relationships and online safety without making any one discussion feel enormous.
Sign up
Get tailored content based on your week of pregnancy
By signing up, you agree to receiving our Newsletters. Cancel anytime.
Start with what safe feels like
Children often feel something before they have the words to explain it. Feeling safe might mean calm breathing, warmth or being relaxed around someone, while discomfort can show up as a sore tummy, sweaty hands, shaking, freezing, becoming unusually quiet or simply wanting to leave.
Kristi recalls a friend contacting her in a panic after her young son said he did not feel safe at his grandparents’ house. Rather than assuming what had happened, Kristi suggested one open question: “What is it about the house that doesn’t feel safe?”
It turned out that his granddad yelled when his grandmother was not there. The child was doing exactly what he had been taught to do: noticing discomfort and telling an adult.
A child’s warning signs do not automatically point to abuse, but they are a reason to pause, stay curious and listen without supplying the answer.
“Our bodies know before our brains do. Their bodies will tell them before they actually have the words.” – Kristi McVee
Teach what safe adults do
Children are often encouraged to identify a few “safe people”, but safety is better understood through behaviour.
A safe adult respects a child’s no. They do not pressure them into affection, ask them to keep uncomfortable secrets or make a child responsible for an adult problem. They behave transparently around parents and carers, and what they do matches what they say.
Even seemingly harmless secrets are worth thinking about. A grandparent slipping a child extra lollies and saying, “Don’t tell Mum” may feel playful, but it quietly teaches that adults can ask children to hide things from their parents. A surprise has an ending; a secret asks a child to carry something alone.
The same principle applies to affection. Children should be allowed to decline a hug, kiss or lap when they do not want one, even when that feels socially awkward for the adults around them. Each respected no helps reinforce that their boundaries matter.
The same rules extend online. As children get older, safe adults should not be asking them to move conversations into secret private chats, requesting sexual images or making them feel as though an online relationship needs to be hidden from parents or carers. Helping children understand that boundaries apply online as well as offline gives them another way to recognise when an interaction does not feel right.
“Safe adults model safe behaviour.” – Kristi McVee
Pay attention to the small things
A disclosure does not always arrive as one clear sentence. A child might say they do not want to visit someone, complain of feeling sick before a particular activity or mention something that seems small. Sometimes they are watching closely to see what the adult does next.
“They will test you with little things before they trust you with big things.” – Kristi McVee
Children also have impeccable timing. They often open up when everyone is trying to get out the door, when you are halfway through dinner or just as the bedroom light is being switched off. Those inconvenient moments may be the ones that need us most.
Pausing, putting down the phone and listening to the apparently small story helps build the experience that their words will be taken seriously.
This became very real in Kristi’s own family when her teenage daughter discovered that several friends had experienced sexual abuse. They disclosed to her rather than an adult. Because safety had always been discussed at home, she knew how to listen and when to involve a trusted adult.
As Kristi had taught her, some things are adult problems. Children can know about them and talk about them, but they should never be expected to fix them.
Give them a clear next step
Body-safety language is only useful if a child also knows what to do with it. Help them identify several adults who will listen, believe them and help them feel safe again, and make sure they know that if the first person does not listen, they can keep telling until somebody does.
Simple messages can be repeated from the early years onwards:
- Your body belongs to you.
- You can say no to touch, even from someone you know.
- You will never be in trouble for telling me something that happened.
- If something feels wrong, move away if you can and tell a safe adult.
- If the first adult doesn’t listen, keep telling.
- Nothing you say or do will make me stop loving you.
“It’s the ‘what to do next’ part that is the most important part.” – Kristi McVee
These messages do not have to be delivered all at once. In fact, they are often more useful when they become familiar phrases a child hears repeatedly over the years.
If a child tells you something
If a child discloses abuse, the adult hearing it may feel panic, disbelief or an urgent need to ask exactly what happened. It is understandable to want answers, but children can be highly suggestible and may try to give adults the response they think is expected. Detailed or leading questions can also affect later professional interviews.
Your role in that moment is not to investigate. Stay as calm as you can, let the child use their own words and avoid introducing information into their account.
You can say, “I believe you.” “You did the right thing by telling me.” “This is not your fault.” “I’m going to help keep you safe.”
From there, seek professional guidance and report the concern to the appropriate police or child-protection authority.
“It’s not your job to actually get to the bottom of what’s happened.” – Kristi McVee
Protection is an adult responsibility
Children should never carry responsibility for preventing abuse. We can give them words, choices and a plan, but adults must create safer environments, notice concerning behaviour and act when something does not feel right.
That responsibility belongs to all of us, not only parents. Grandparents, educators, coaches, neighbours, family friends and every adult who spends time around children have a role to play.
When adults are transparent, respect boundaries and speak up when behaviour is concerning, children learn what safety looks like because they experience it.
“It’s not a child’s job to protect themselves from child sexual abuse. It’s an adult’s job.” – Kristi McVee
Keep the door open
No parent handles every conversation perfectly.
When Kristi’s daughter googled sex at age ten and encountered pornography, they talked about what she had seen. Then, 24 to 48 hours later, Kristi returned to the conversation. She did not force her daughter to revisit every detail; she simply asked whether any questions had come up since.
That follow-up matters because children often need time to process something before they know what they want to ask. Coming back to the subject tells them that it is not shameful, the conversation is not closed and they can return whenever they are ready.
The message underneath all of these conversations is beautifully simple: you can tell me anything, I will listen, I will help you work out what to do next, and nothing will ever make me stop loving you.
Keeping children safe is not about delivering one flawless talk. It is about creating a relationship in which they know there will always be somewhere safe to land.
Where to get help
If a child is in immediate danger, call Triple Zero (000).
For information about reporting child abuse and neglect in each Australian state and territory, see the Australian Institute of Family Studies resource Reporting child abuse and neglect.
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800
Lifeline: 13 11 14
If you are concerned about something a child has told you, seek advice from the relevant police or child-protection authority rather than trying to investigate the situation yourself.
Want to hear more? Watch the full episode, TNTY: A former detective on keeping children safe, featuring Kristi McVee.
Related Articles
Loved this article?
Share with a friend
