What is parallel parenting? Understanding the pros and cons

Let’s be real: parenting is hard enough when you’re on the same page as your partner, let alone when you’ve split up and can barely agree on what to have for dinner - or how to raise your child.

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For many separated or divorced parents, finding common ground can feel impossible. That’s where parallel parenting comes into play. It’s an approach that lets both parents stay involved in their child’s life while minimising contact (and conflict) with each other.

If you’ve tried co-parenting but find the constant communication is turning into World War III, parallel parenting could be a lifesaver. But like all things, it has its upsides and downsides, so before you dive in, it’s good to understand what you’re getting into.

In this article, we’re going to break down what parallel parenting is, how it compares to co-parenting, the pros and cons, and how to make it work.

What is parallel parenting?

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Parallel parenting is designed for parents who struggle with communication and conflict, especially after a separation or divorce. 

It lets both parents stay involved in their child’s life while keeping interactions between them to a minimum. Instead of hashing out every decision together, each parent makes choices during their own time with the child.

This method helps ease tension and emotional stress, letting both parents engage with their child without the constant friction.

In a parallel parenting setup, there are usually agreed-upon rules to minimise unnecessary back-and-forth. Parents might skip face-to-face chats and stick to texting or emails for updates. When it’s their time with the child, each parent can handle day-to-day decisions independently, as long as they follow the agreed-upon guidelines. Bigger issues, like education or healthcare, can be sorted out through formal communication or with the help of a mediator if needed.

This approach is often recommended when the relationship between parents is so strained that ongoing conflict could affect the child. While it might not suit everyone, it can be a great way to put the child’s well-being first while creating healthy boundaries for co-parenting.

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Parallel parenting vs. co-parenting: What’s the difference?

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At first glance, co-parenting and parallel parenting might sound like two sides of the same coin – after all, both involve two co-parents raising a child post-separation. But the big difference comes down to how much the parents actually work together and communicate their parenting arrangements.

Co-parenting is the ideal situation where both parents are on relatively good terms. It’s all about collaboration, teamwork, and being on the same page for decisions. 

In co-parenting, there’s open communication (sometimes even friendly!), and both separated parents attend important events like school events or birthdays together. They might chat with the other parent regularly about how the kids are doing, update each other on issues, and jointly make decisions on the parenting plan. Co-parenting works best when there’s mutual respect for the other parent and minimal conflict.

Parallel parenting, on the other hand, is designed for high-conflict situations where co-parenting just isn’t feasible within the family relationships. The parents usually have limited communication, conflicting parenting styles, and operate more independently. 

Rather than working together on every little decision, each parent takes responsibility for their own time with the child. The primary focus of parallel parenting is to keep interactions to a minimum, lessening the chances of conflict and protecting the child from being caught in the middle.

In a nutshell, a co-parenting relationship is about collaboration, while parallel parenting is about creating boundaries. Both aim to keep the child’s best interests at heart, but parallel parenting recognises that sometimes, keeping the peace means keeping your distance.

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Pros of parallel parenting

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Reduced conflict

Parallel parenting lowers the amount of direct contact between parents, cutting down on arguments and tension. This can create a more peaceful environment for both parallel parents and, crucially, for the child.

Clear boundaries

Each parent has their own responsibilities during their time with the child. This reduces the chances of overstepping or micromanaging, which is common in co-parenting setups.

Maintained parental involvement

Even when cooperation between parents is tough, parallel parenting allows both to stay involved in their child’s life without constant communication.

Emotional stability for the child

By limiting conflict, parallel parenting helps shield children from the emotional impact of parental disagreements, creating a more predictable environment for them.

Cons of parallel parenting

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Lack of collaboration

The independence that comes with parallel parenting can lead to inconsistent rules or routines between households, which may confuse the child.

Minimal communication

Important updates, like school or health issues, can be missed if communication isn’t clear and structured.

Hard to navigate major decisions

When big decisions come up—like schooling or medical care—parents must communicate, which can be challenging in high-conflict situations.

Emotional toll on parents

It can be emotionally exhausting for parents to maintain boundaries and keep things professional, especially if there’s lingering resentment.

Tips for a successful parallel parenting plan

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To make parallel parenting work, it’s important to have a clear plan and some guidelines. Here are a few tips to help you reduce conflict and keep your child’s needs at the heart of everything:

1. Establish clear boundaries
   Define each parent’s responsibilities. This includes who will handle school drop-offs, medical appointments, extracurricular activities, etc. The more specific your plan, the less room there is for misunderstandings. If there are grey areas, conflicts are more likely to pop up.
2. Use a structured communication method
   Since parallel parenting relies on minimal contact, using structured communication tools is crucial. Apps like OurFamilyWizard or emails work well to keep communication civil and organised. Avoid phone calls or face-to-face meetings unless absolutely necessary. Having everything in writing also creates a record that can reduce confusion or disputes later.
3. Stick to a detailed parenting schedule
   The more precise the schedule, the better. Set clear start and end times for each parent’s custody period, including holidays, school breaks, and special events. When both parents know exactly when their time starts and ends, there’s less room for conflict.
4. Agree on a decision-making process
   For major decisions (like healthcare or schooling), establish a process for how these will be discussed and agreed upon. This could involve a mediator or only communicating through written formats. It’s essential to define what counts as a “major decision” upfront, so everyone’s clear on when collaboration is needed.

1. Respect each other’s autonomy
   During your time with the child, you should feel free to make everyday decisions without interference from the other parent. At the same time, you must respect the other parent’s authority when the child is with them. Avoid critiquing or second-guessing their choices, as long as they follow the agreed guidelines.
2. Prioritise the child’s needs
   Even in high-conflict situations, the goal is to do what’s best for your child. Keep their well-being at the heart of all decisions, and remind yourself that parallel parenting is a way to reduce tension, not to create a new battleground.

Decisions you can make independently

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So what decisions are up to each parent’s discretion? These are the areas where parallel parents get some flexibility (as long as they’re within overarching guidelines).

1. Meal planning
   While both parents might agree on broader dietary restrictions or preferences (e.g., vegan, vegetarian, or no junk food), each parent is free to decide what to cook or feed the child during their time. If the overall agreement is to avoid sugary snacks, for instance, how meals are prepared or served is up to the parent in charge.
2. Daily schedules
   A parallel parenting arrangement might be that the child should have structured routines (like homework after school), but how the day is organised—what time the child wakes up, the order of activities, and bedtime—can vary between homes. Parents can set their own schedule, as long as they stick to any agreed-upon key rules (e.g., bedtime by 9 p.m.).
3. Discipline
   While there may be joint decisions on core values or major disciplinary actions (e.g. no hitting, grounding for serious offences), each parent handles discipline independently. For instance, if the child misbehaves at one parent’s house, that parent decides the consequence—whether it’s time-out, extra chores, or limiting screen time.
4. Activities and playtime
   Parents can choose how the child spends their time outside school, provided it fits within the general framework. If the child loves soccer, one parent might take them to practice or matches, while the other may opt for quieter activities like reading or going to the movies. Each parent chooses how to fill their days and parenting time.

1. Clothing choices
   While the overall decision might be that certain types of clothing (e.g., no revealing outfits) are off-limits, each parent decides what the child wears on a daily basis. One parent might prioritise comfort, while the other prefers dressing up for outings—both approaches are fine, as long as they’re within the agreed boundaries of the parenting approach.
2. Social engagements
   Parents may have broad agreements on who the child can or cannot spend time with (e.g., only close family members or specific friends), but who the child sees during each parent’s custody period is up to them. One parent might arrange playdates, while the other prefers family gatherings.
3. Entertainment and screen time
   If both parents agree on the general rules (e.g., no more than 2 hours of screen time a day), how that screen time is spent—whether watching TV, playing video games, or using educational apps—is left to each parent’s discretion.
4. Religious or cultural practices
   While major decisions about the child’s religious upbringing may be agreed upon (e.g., whether the child will attend religious services), shared parenting involves each parent deciding how or if they incorporate those practices into everyday life when the child is with them. For example, one parent may choose to pray with the child, while the other focuses more on cultural traditions.

Wrapping it up

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Parallel parenting can be a really effective way for parents in tough situations to stay engaged in their child’s life while keeping the peace. It allows both parents to collaborate on important decisions but lets them manage the smaller, everyday choices separately.

This way, everyone—especially the child—can feel more relaxed and supported. It’s all about finding a balance that works for your family.

Sources

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Web MD, What Is Parallel Parenting?, July 2023
Better Help, Creating A Parallel Parenting Plan: Pros, Cons, And Tips For Success, September 2024
Australian Family Lawyers, 7 expert tips that will help with successful parallel parenting, November 2022