Setting boundaries is not a cop-out

When you become a parent, you lose much of the time you once had. That’s not so much a complaint as just, well, the truth.

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You can try to do everything you used to with a child in tow, but the reality check hits you pretty fast. This chapter needs your undivided attention, and your mini-me is not an easy plus one.

Our priorities change overnight, so certain aspects of our lives drift to the bottom of the to-do pile. 

I’ve waved goodbye to:

• Early nights (that don’t involve me jumping out of bed every hour.)
• Hot coffee (by the time I have some peace and quiet, it’s gone cold.)
• Swimming laps (a solitary activity that kids don’t allow for.)
• Travelling to see interstate friends and family (big trips, zero time.)
• Going to the beach (especially those on-a-whim drives when the sun comes out.)
• Breakfast with girlfriends (some days I even miss breakfast by myself.)
• Trying new wine bars with my husband (ah date nights, lost forever to our twenties.)

For me to squeeze these in activities (which I used to love), it’ll mean reordering some priorities. 

How? By setting boundaries and saying no from time to time. Not only is it okay,  it’s (a) allowed (b) acceptable and at times; (c) essential.

What it means to say no

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You know those moments you actually want to decline and walk right out the door, but your inner people pleaser is shaking in their boots?

So you nod and say yes – which is pretty much the same as going ‘Goodbye time’ and ‘Hello fatigue and frustration.’ 

When parenthood becomes the centre of your universe, you’re pushed to work out what true balance means to you.

How do you shift around and tweak community involvement, ‘extracurricular’ commitments, and friendships to make more room for yourself? All of these things matter in your life…but you matter too. 

Saying no is not short sighted, rude or selfish. Saying no is not indulgent. 

Some people are fabulous at it. Others (myself included) can’t bring themselves to utter the word because we’re bound to this idea of doing ‘the right thing.’ To show up for everyone and everything 100% of the time.

Guess what? In many instances, saying no is the right thing.

Saying no is part of life with young children – a time when it simply becomes less possible to do it all (and cope.) 

And if you stretch yourself too thin, you know who’ll actually end up suffering? Your family.

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Self-compassion and self-preservation

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I’ve written a few articles in the past about my personal experience as a mum. 

If you’ve followed along, you’ll know by now that I am a Type A personality, I live with OCD, and I like to (need to) balance two worlds at one time – parenting and my career. The former is far more important, but the latter gives me the energy I need to be a good parent. 

If you walk into my home you’ll note that every bed is made and, 80% of the time, the house is ‘neat’. I like things a particular way and I genuinely cannot think straight when surrounded in clutter. I wake up early to exercise and I stay up later than I should to work – whether it be writing, producing my podcast or freelance design work. Sometimes it’ll just be to read.

I often say to myself, just relax Tors! Leave the washing unfolded for the day. Ditch the alarm and sleep in. Make the kids lunch in the morning rather than 10pm the night before. Let the kids be un-bathed for one day in their life – they’ll survive.

Leave the pot to soak overnight. The hallway doesn’t need to be vacuumed again. The nappy basket doesn’t have to be refilled when it’s far from empty. Take your foot off the pedal and push down into the break. Oh and try to enjoy it.

Despite the internal voice encouraging me to let go more often, it’s rare that I do. 

Why? This life ‘maintenance’ and ‘upkeep’ actually clears my head, and that feeling is a priority for me.

So I let these tendencies stay at the top of my list. They might sound nuts to others, but to me they serve a personal purpose.

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Making peace with my priorities

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Over the last 2 or 3 months, I’ve been hunting through my lifestyle thinking, what can I push downwards on the priority list? Where can I squeeze extra time from? Time to give back to myself, my kids and my relationship? 

It comes down to what I said earlier. Too much of my energy is consumed by the need to say yes to favours and plans in fear of letting people down or causing them to feel disappointed.

In other words, the need to please people is taking far too much of my energy.

What I’m discovering (since becoming a parent) is that saying no is a crucial part of my happiness. While before kids I was able to be far more agile in my day-to-day life, with 2 children under 5, I’m now consumed nearly all of the time. Mentally and physically. I’m allowed to reinvest the little time I have on the side into my own enjoyment. But the only person who can ensure this will transpire is me. Boundaries baby! I need them. We all need them.

Since I love to work as well (in a paid work capacity), it’s important that I conserve as much time and energy as possible to fill this cup too. I need to make sure I’m socialising with those I love and I need to keep pushing the list of things that bring me joy, right up to the top of my priority list. Early nights. Laps in the pool. Travel plans to see family and friends, all of it.

The only way I’m going to be able to do this, is if I learn that it’s ok to say no.

Final thoughts

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Here’s the thing:

When kids come into our lives, we owe it to them to be the best version of ourselves. 

The best version of ourselves is not the one venting because we’ve taken on too much and said yes to things that absorb too much energy. The best version of ourselves is not the one staying up into the wee hours trying to make someone else’s life easier at the expense of our own. The best version of ourselves is not the one pleasing others because they think it’ll make them more likeable. 

The best version of ourselves is the one who understands that you can be kind and measured at the same time. 

Setting boundaries does not mean you’re a less generous person or a worse friend. Saying No is as reasonable as saying Yes. Two options exist for a reason. 

To say no is to be kind to yourself.

And being kind to yourself really, really matters.