5 strategies to develop resilience in kids while co-parenting

With divorce rates on the rise worldwide, many families are finding themselves in the midst of a life-altering transition, which can be overwhelming for both parents and children.

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The Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale recently ranked divorce and separation as the second most stressful life event, trailing only behind the death of a spouse. 

This stress can be compounded when it comes to co-parenting and navigating the complexities of raising children together, separately.

The impacts of divorce on kids

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As a Family Mediator, I witness children often caught in the crossfire of parental conflict. Though not directly involved in mediation, their experiences are central to every session. Common issues include:

•     Anxiety or withdrawal.
•     Decline in academic performance.
•     Disruptive behaviour at school.
•     Difficulty forming friendships.
•     Feelings of isolation.
•     Divided loyalties, taking sides, or displaying different behaviour with each parent.
•     Sensitive children may react more intensely and bear a heavier emotional response than their siblings. 
•     Reluctance to spend time with or engage in activities associated with them.
•     Taking on adult responsibilities.

The upheaval kids can go through, while Mum and Dad argue over who gets what, can have lasting repercussions on their well-being.

Studies by psychologists like John Gottman and Robert Emery reveal that exposure to ongoing conflict can lead to heightened levels of stress, anxiety, and behavioural issues in children. 

These effects extend into adulthood, shaping their relationships and emotional resilience.

So, how do we make sure our children are resilient during the challenging transition of a separation or divorce while also adjusting to co-parenting?

These five strategies will help you foster resilience while minimising the impact of conflict.

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1. Focus on the future

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What memories will your children carry from this time? When reflecting on their childhood, what moments will stand out the most? 

This exercise helps shift the focus away from blame-oriented thinking and towards prioritising the well-being of the children. In turn, it can help co-parents navigate through difficult times more effectively. 

By putting themselves in their children’s shoes, parents can make decisions that prioritise their children’s emotional and psychological needs.

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2. Adjust your lens

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Reflect on the perspective through which you view the situation. 

Are you using a narrow, zoom lens that magnifies individual grievances and conflicts, or a wide-angle lens that encompasses the needs of the entire family? 

Embracing this wide-angle lens facilitates a smoother transition for children and can help co-parents prioritise the collective well-being of their children over personal differences, reducing undue stress caused by parental discord.

3. Manage emotions

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Acknowledge and address heightened stress and anxiety by prioritising self-care. Yep, that means looking inward.

Fluctuations in levels of stress and anxiety are common among separating couples, often exacerbating conflict and impeding rational decision-making. 

It’s during these times that it is all too easy to fall into a pattern of blame and resentment and zoom in on what’s wrong while potentially losing sight of what’s best for the children. 

When negative emotions are heightened, and it feels harder to focus on the future or use a wide-angle lens, use them as a cue to recalibrate your self-care plan and prioritise practices that promote emotional balance.

4. Adapt to your child’s pace

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Making changes to the arrangements or introducing new routines demands sensitivity and patience, particularly when catering to the varying needs and developmental stages of multiple children. 

When implementing changes, match the pace of all your children and be guided and led by the pace of your slowest or youngest child. You can only go as quick as your slowest. 

Embracing creativity and flexibility is essential in crafting arrangements that accommodate each child’s unique circumstances.

5. Limit negative influences

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Reconsider the impact of advice and support from people around you who belittle the other parent. While well-intentioned (often seeking to support you), such remarks can fuel animosity and hinder effective co-parenting. 

Redirect, limit, or disengage from conversations that contribute to negative dynamics. Instead, replace them with constructive avenues of support that safeguard children from parental discord. 

Prioritising positive communication and mutual respect encourages and sets a strong example of healthy co-parenting while shielding children from undue emotional distress.

Wrapping it up

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Divorce and separation are undeniably stressful events, but It’s important to remember that co-parenting doesn’t have to be tackled alone. 

Numerous family services exist to provide support and guidance to co-parents, ranging from family mediators to mental health practitioners. Seeking professional guidance can help maintain a child-focused approach amidst the challenges of co-parenting, ultimately benefiting the well-being of the entire family. 

Let’s reaffirm our commitment to supporting families of all kinds, through the ups and downs of life. By fostering resilience, empathy, and collaboration, we can mitigate the impact of stressors and promote the well-being of every family member. 

Sources

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D’Onofrio, B. & Emery, R., 2019. Parental divorce or separation and children’s mental health. World Psychiatry, 18, pp. 100-101.

Emery, R. E. (1982). Interparental conflict and the children of discord and divorce. Psychological Bulletin, 92(2), pp/ 310–330. 

Katz, L. F., & Gottman, J. M. (1993). Patterns of marital conflict predict children’s internalizing and externalizing behaviors. Developmental Psychology, 29(6), pp. 940–950.