Newborns: Experience breeds confidence

Where do you find confidence, when you have no confidence at all? How do you harness a feeling of calm when you feel the exact opposite?

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These are questions so many women ask themselves when they welcome their firstborn.

When you have your first baby it’s normal to find it so, so hard. Do you know why? Because it is so, so hard. 

Life as you know it is turned upside down and sleep is stripped away. Physical pain is likely to be added as well as confusion, mess, an absence of structure and a dense dollop of true overwhelm. 

Is it meant to be this hard?

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You can’t leave the house. You can’t lie on the couch for a day and recoup. You can’t complain because you’re meant to feel grateful. Your body doesn’t feel like yours. It doesn’t even behave like the body you once knew. You start to resent being touched by anyone, despite the fact your skin is never contact-free. 

A baby is crying all the time. You’ve fed them, bathed them, burped them. You’ve made sure they’re warm and dry. They’ve just had a beautiful long nap on your chest … but they’re still crying? 

You put them to the breast or the bottle only to find they reject it, flailing all limbs. You stand up and sway them side to side but they keep wailing because it’s not what they want. But what do they want? What will make them settle? 

You search hard for their cues and try to read their body language. Is it wind? Are they overtired? Are they experiencing pain? Have they just found your voice? Or are they crying because they’re a baby and that is what babies do? You know, like the song, ‘The babies on the bus go wah wah wah’ … 

You wish for this bus to pull over and turn its ignition off. Just so you can find a moment of sweet silence. 

You can’t possibly go out in public like this because everyone will look and think, ‘Gosh. She has no idea what she’s doing.’ Bystanders will smell your panic from a mile away.

So you decide to stay at home – all day. 7am passes. 8am passes. 9am, 10am,11am, 12 noon,1pm, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm, 5pm…

You get to the end of the shapeless day and think, I wish I enjoyed this more. And then you too start to cry. You cry and cry and cry. You wipe away your tears as you look down at your darling baby with a guilty pulse wrapping your gaze. I’m sorry I am crying. I love you. It’s not your fault – I just feel as if I am sinking. I’m so sorry my baby. I’ll try harder tomorrow.

Then 6pm comes and your partner walks in after a day out in the paid workforce. You feel a sense of relief. Finally, help and company has arrived. Your shoulders drop and you feel your jaw soften. Thank goodness.

You tell your partner the baby is unsettled. Perhaps they’re regressing or just overtired, hungry, windy… or … but then something wild happens.

You watch as your partner tenderly scoops the baby up. Placing them in the nook of their arm, they smile with adoration and a sudden wave of peace rolls through the house. There is quiet. There is stillness. There is calm.

The baby has stopped crying. 

You think to yourself, there is nothing wrong with the baby. It’s me. It’s me who is the problem. Your heart sinks and gravity tugs your head into the palm of your hands while you sob and tell your partner, ‘I can’t seem to get this right. I am trying so hard.’ 

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The emotional toll of a stay-at-home parent

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I’ll stop this little walk down memory lane here. And yes, it’s a walk down memory lane because this is the type of day I experienced multiple times during those first few months as a new mum. If it sounds familiar, I hope you feel an ounce less alone. Newborns are no walk in the park. 

I was so in love with my baby boy and beyond besotted with my new role as a mother. Despite this, I was also perplexed a lot of the time. I was stripped of my confidence and lost all sense of accomplishment or productivity. I would ache for 5pm or 6pm when my partner would walk through the doors, take the baby and deliver quiet. 

A major reason behind the the non-primary carer (let’s call this the father for the sake of this article), delivering such calmness when they come home and being able to settle the baby in a matter of seconds – is not a reflection that they’re a better parent. Or a more maternal influence. No.

The primary carer (let’s call this the mother for the sake of this article) is at home all day with the newborn. Like two foreigners, they don’t speak the same language.

They’re both out of sync with their sleep and they’re been thrown into a new territory with no map to navigate their way. From the womb to real life. From ‘me’ to ‘us’. 

As the hours of the day tick over, the mother’s mind and body become fatigued and the fatigue continues to compound – without reprieve. Feed, burp, change, swaddle, settle, sleep … on repeat. For hours on end. And so when the baby cries and she can’t figure out why – she runs low on slow breaths. The shrill sound of the babies cry can send the mother’s mind into a state of exasperation, panic or hysteria. She is not going crazy. She is simply trying to survive. 

The baby then feeds off this energy and mirrors a version of it. As the mother becomes more upset, her heart rate speeds up, her breath becomes shorter and her slow, patient sways turn into circular pacing around the room. The baby digests this energy like a feed and inherits the discomfort. You never intended for this to happen – but the state of your nervous system seems to be contagious.

Meanwhile, your partner (and this is in no way a dig) comes home from a day where they have had a sense of control. Yes they might have been busy, stressed and pulled in a thousand directions, but the adult life comes with a diary. A schedule. A clock. To an extent, they know what to expect and what is ahead each and every hour. With this foresight, they can plan accordingly. They can plan to eat when they know they’re going to be busy. They can pull over and grab a bottle of water if they feel dehydrated. They can push a meeting back if something happens and they need to tend to an issue. They can make decisions and influence the impact.

On the journey home, whether it be by bus, train, walk or car – they have a moment to process the day, compartmentalise, and adjust the sound of the radio. They can visualise their baby at home while enjoying a sense of joy as they near their front door. They’re able to anticipate what is to come – a baby in their arms. 

When in their arms, the baby feels a slower heart rate, a softer grasp and a more poetic bounce as their father walks around, gazing into their eyes. Just like they did with mum, they feed off this energy and inherit a sense of calm. 

This does not mean one parent is better than the other. This simply means, at different moments of the day – each parent offers different aspects of comfort to the baby. Both, are equally wonderful.

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You are not the ‘problem’

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I’m writing this article to remind new mums who feel they’re doing it ‘all wrong’- you are not. You are adjusting to the world’s most drastic life change with no sleep, a sore body and the disappearance of both control and independence. 

It feels hard at times because it is hard. But you’re not failing or doing it wrong. 

Sometimes the most happy, plump and wind-free baby will have a big cry and take a while to settle. Sometimes someone else will pick your baby up and within an instant they will fall into a deep and luscious slumber. 

This is simply life with a newborn. Unpredictable. 

The newborn days are here, there and everywhere. If you’re struggling to find a state of calmness, below are my personal tips;

• Put your phone away. Texts, social media scrolls, and Google searches are fast-paced activities that run your mind a million miles an hour.
• Find comfort. Remove all constricting clothes and get rid of any annoying hair around your eyes.
• Drink at least 2 glasses of water, have a snack and practice deep breaths for 5-10 mins (even when you’re holding the baby).
• Dab some lavender oil on your wrists and breathe in the calming scent.
• Visualise something that brings you joy.
• See if you can hide anything that provokes a sense of irritation, dread or urgency. Pop unfolded washing in the bedroom, dishes into the sink, and baby blankets in a basket. Sometimes a clutter-free environment can help you feel more spacious and light.
• Turn the TV off, dim the lights and try to reduce the collective sensory pressures.

And lastly, remind yourself how well you’re doing. Remember that it’s one step at a time, one day at a time. No one just gets on a bike and rides it without a wobble. Every single new experience in life takes adjustment and experience breeds confidence. 

Newborn life is no easy feat.

But tomorrow is a new day. One foot in front of the other. I see you and I know you’re doing so, so well.

For anyone worried about their mental health or feeling as if they cannot cope;  please look into the supportive resources below. In motherhood, you’re never ever alone.

• PANDA – https://panda.org.au/
• Lifeline – 13 11 14 or https://www.lifeline.org.au/
• Beyond Blue – https://beyondblue.org.au/
• Calm App – https://www.calm.com/
• Call your GP