There is a method to my mum-ness
Tori Bowman Johnson
Tori Bowman Johnson
I am someone who cannot stand mess. I simply can’t think straight with clutter surrounding me. When chaos hits, I struggle to hear properly.
When the dining room chairs are untucked at random angles – I struggle.
When the washing is spread sparingly from one chair to another – I struggle.
When the school bags are left unpacked for more than an hour post pick up? I feel clenched.
Beds that are not made? Don’t even.
When I’m surrounded by mess in my home I forget my own name. I wish I wasn’t like this, but it’s just who I am.
I ‘karate chop’ the couch cushions before bed, I straighten the towels on the rack after drying my hands, and I centre the vase on the table. I love the feeling of space. Space between things. Space between angles. Space between corners.
Having said this, I appreciate that an untidy house innately corresponds with parenthood.
There is no getting around this.
Even if you had a Robovac in every room and a daily cleaner, untidy chaos will still nestle into the bones of every nook in your space. While you wait patiently for the moments you can clean, a layer of anxiety can smother your ability to feel present.
This is an article for any other Type A, very organised parent like myself who is looking for ways to order the disorderly.
I won’t lie, it involves a lot of constant tidying-as-you-go. But anyone like me will actually find this calming rather than the opposite.
Please note – I would love to just chill out and let the house turn-inside out. It’d be nice to have a go-with-the-flow attitude.
Unfortunately, that’s just not me – but that’s okay. It is okay to let those around you cope how they need to cope – even if their coping mechanisms seem odd to you.
So for any other Type A, tidy mumma out there, these are my tactics.
Pile the play
All of the ‘toy types,’ live in a blue box (I buy them from Bunnings).
For example, each of the following toys have a separate container where they reside; LEGO, action figures, magnets, puzzles, stackable activities, card games, train sets, cars and their tracks, board games, drawings things, craft (because every household needs pom poms, popsicles and glue), stickers, balls … you get the drift.
While this is how they’re packed away, there are no rules around how or when they’re used. The boys are free to use and unpack as many boxes as they like to create imaginative play for the day. Absolutely.
The helpful aspect for me is that when they do unpack 1-5 boxes each day and create a sea of mess, I never fret because I know they’ll be neatly packed and stored afterwards.
The perfect compromise.
It also teaches the boys the importance of packing away and taking care of their belongings. They now know how annoying it is when one pivotal piece of a puzzle goes missing!
I have a ‘misc’ toy basket in the living room that is always there and always a little random in terms of it’s weekly contents. Whichever toys are the ‘flavour of the moment’ live in here for ease of access. This toy basket is tucked away in the living room, allowing me to create a tidy environment when the boys are out or asleep.
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Dress the kids first thing
I get the boys dressed when they wake up. Unless it’s the weekend, they’re out of their PJ’s first thing.
Now this one might sound really strict or ‘Where’s the fun in that!?’ I hear you.
Thing is, the angst that builds each morning due to the pending to-do list instantly evaporates when I know the job of dressing the boys is done.
All parents know that getting a child dressed in the morning can be a huge task. Whopping in fact. They run away thinking it’s funny, they don’t agree with your outfit choice, they refuse to wear a jumper despite the 9 degree chill, or they want to put each garment on themselves. God love them – but watching a person under the age of 5 dress themselves is like watching a drunk person attempt to play Jenga. Very, very frustrating.
The mornings are chaotic enough without having to dress children, so I ensure it’s done first up. The mental space freed up after this task is ticked off? Game changing.
A flexible bedtime routine
I decide on the order of dinner to bath depending on the time and their moods. In other words, I remain flexible with the order of events at ‘dinner, bath, bed.’
Yes, sometimes that means bathing them before dinner. Why?
If the boys are overtired or we’re running late to start their night routine (i.e. if we get home from activity after 5.30pm), the household ‘vibe’ feels stressed, rushed and forced when I try to feed them first.
Forcing my boys to eat dinner because the clock is pointing at a particular number doesn’t work for me. And when I am forced to cook under pressure? Ohhhh it’s a doozy! I become impatient and very frazzled – no one wins.
I’ve found this to be a calmer approach when everyone is tired and grumpy. If I let them play and soak in the warm soapy water before dinner, it soothes their moods and reduces the likelihood of someone kicking up a fuss over the dinner menu.
Shoes off, please and thank you
I ask my boys to take their shoes off before coming inside. They know the drill, so they do it without a fuss now.
As a child, I was never asked to do this. I could have shoes on the couch and no one would even flinch. Again, I’m sure this could make me sound neurotic but it truly helps me stay calm.
After all, a calmer mum is a more present mum.
No shoes inside means no mud, no sand, no wet shoe marks and no deserted, dirty shoe under the couch or wedged between the pillows. Setting this particular boundary actually benefits them. It means they can come inside and freely play and run around without an irritated mum following them around with a roaring Dyson. What a buzz kill that would be.
Beds are always made
I make all of the beds first thing in the morning (right after dressing the boys).
There are so many other things I could be doing for myself here.
Having a shower, brushing my teeth, reading the paper, making a coffee. But believe it or not, making all of the beds is actually a weird form of self care for me.
I guess it’s a ‘ritual’ that lends me an empowering opportunity to harness control. Something you lose so much of when parenthood arrives.
The post-meal cleanup
I vacuum and mop (both hands free items) after each meal.
Dropped food scraps on the floor leaves residue that becomes sticky. My boys then run through the stickiness. They drive their cars through it. They roll their balls through it. The stickiness expands – as does my angst.
It takes me 10 seconds to run the vacuum and mop under the table. That 10 seconds is so well spent as I feel the smallest actions can create bigger spaces for my boys and I to create quality time together.
Wrapping it up
There are people who know me well who think I’m a little nuts.
But anyone who understands me will get that it’s these neuroses that help me be a less distracted and more present parent. For me personally, this is a small price to pay for a big win. The prize being an expansive capacity to be calm.
If you are the opposite and you prefer to let the mess stretch out all day because it allows you more time to relax and enjoy time with your children, I love that so much.
We are all so differently wired. What might work for me, will not necessarily work for you and vice versa, but that is a-okay. The only parenting method worth considering is the method that invites you to feel good.
A happy parent … a gift to the children.
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Tori Bowman Johnson
Follow +Tori, a freelance writer, has worked in production, talent management & branding since her agency role at Vivien’s Model Management in Melbourne in 2011. Tori has recently launched, The First Word; a conversational podcast for women, particularly those who juggle young children & paid work. Tori is also a very proud mum of two little boys.