What is ‘parental burnout’ and what can you do about it?

Ever felt like parenting should come with its job description—and maybe a coffee on the side? From the day you bring the baby home to the day they leave for college, the days are packed with errands, meal preps, and a long list of tasks to tackle.  

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Somewhere in between juggling the endless demands of kids, careers, and personal life, we drop a few balls and find ourselves suffering from ‘parental burnout.’ Parenting begins to feel like an Olympic sport rather than part of the daily grind. And we get it: it’s tough when the only break you get is five minutes of peace behind a locked bathroom door.

Despite its challenges, taking time for self-care isn’t just a luxury; it’s a necessity that can recharge your batteries and foster positive family environments, enhancing the well-being of everyone involved.

But let’s be honest, when you’re that busy, who has the time to think about relaxing? And a nap counts as me-time, right?

Well, research shows parents hitting high burnout levels need more than just a nap.

Jane Goodall once said, “One thing I learned from watching chimpanzees with their infants is that having a child should be fun.” So are we parenting wrong?

The bottom line is – parenting should be fun! If it’s not, we’re probably doing something wrong. Let’s look at the signs of parental burnout, strategies that can help ease the load, and where you can find support to make parenting fun again.

What is parental burnout?

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Parental burnout happens when the pressures of parenting become overwhelming, leaving you feeling exhausted and unable to meet both your own needs and those of your children.

This condition can lead to three main issues:

Overwhelming exhaustion: You might feel tired all the time, struggling to keep up with the demands of your role.

Emotional distance: There might be a growing disconnect between you and your children, making interactions feel strained.

Sense of ineffectiveness: Doubts about your parenting abilities may increase, so you lose that sparkle of confidence that helps you get through everything.

Caring for children is rewarding, right up until the stress hits levels usually reserved for bomb squads. Unfortunately, we’re told to wear the parental burnout badge like a medal of honour or a parenting rite of passage. If you dare admit you’re worn out, you’re made to feel guilty or ashamed.

However, left unchecked, this stress can snowball into symptoms that resemble chronic stress.

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Causes of parental burnout

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Several things can drive parents to physical or emotional exhaustion. These include:

Employment: Full-time employed mothers often feel less emotionally exhausted compared to those working part-time or more than full-time. Balancing work and parenting responsibilities can be particularly taxing for those not in steady, supportive roles.

Number of children: The more kids you have, the closer you get to burnout nirvana.

Child’s developmental stage: Infants require constant care and attention, often disrupting sleep and personal time, which can lead to significant stress for parents of infants leaving them at a higher risk of emotional exhaustion.

Access to support: No village to help raise your kid? Burnout will gladly step in. Limited access to practical and emotional support can heighten the risk of burnout. Support networks, like family help and community resources, play a crucial role in easing the burdens of parenting.

Child’s needs: Caring for a child with disabilities demands more from parents, raising the likelihood of burnout. The extra medical, emotional, and educational needs can overwhelm your physical and emotional capacity.

Perfectionism: If you’re aiming for “World’s Best Parent,” burnout will be your prize. Striving for perfection rather than accepting being a “good enough” parent also puts parents at risk of burning out. The pressure to meet unrealistic standards can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and stress. In the end, you’re left chasing an ideal that doesn’t exist at the cost of your mental health.

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Emotional symptoms of parental burnout

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If you often find yourself watching the clock until bedtime or daydreaming of a quick grocery run as a mini-break, you might be dealing with ‘parental burnout.’

Parental burnout often begins with a persistent sense of feeling overwhelmed and chronic stress, leading to emotional exhaustion. This can look like:

• Seeking solitude: You might notice yourself emotionally distancing from your children – not out of lack of love, but simply to conserve your dwindling energy.
• Diminished joy: The moments of laughter and pleasure in parenting start to lessen, replaced by a routine that feels more like going through the motions than enjoying the journey.
• Rising self-doubt: Doubts about your parenting skills may begin to surface, with thoughts like, “Am I really doing a good job?” which is a common aspect of emotional exhaustion.

Cognitive symptoms of parental burnout

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Unchecked stress can lead to a mental fog that makes even simple decisions daunting. This cognitive overload often means that routine tasks and decisions, like choosing what to make for dinner or selecting a movie, become unexpectedly tough.

• Trouble focusing: You might notice it’s harder to stay engaged, even with things you usually enjoy. Your favourite TV shows might not hold your attention, leaving you feeling disconnected and a bit frustrated.
• Memory issues: You might find yourself forgetting everyday tasks, like doing chores or remembering appointments. These little lapses can pile on extra stress in your day-to-day life.
• Increased Anxiety: Small problems can start to feel like huge obstacles, taking up way more of your thoughts than they should. You might find yourself doubting your abilities as a parent and worrying a lot about how you’re doing.

Behavioural symptoms of parental burnout

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Chronic stress finds its way into your daily routines, shifting your behaviour and feelings. You might notice changes like:

• Disrupted sleep patterns: You might find yourself restless, lying awake, utterly exhausted yet unable to drift off to sleep. When sleep does come, it’s often fitful and interrupted. This can leave you feeling drained and moody during the day.
• Altered eating habits: You might notice your eating habits shifting—skipping meals or reaching for comfort food instead of healthy options. In the hustle of managing daily stressors, nutrition takes a backseat, and you may end up consuming whatever is quickest or most comforting in your day-to-day life rather than what is healthiest.
• Social withdrawal: Burnout can make socialising feel like a huge effort. You might find yourself cancelling plans and avoiding gatherings because they just seem too exhausting. Activities that used to bring you joy, like hanging out with friends, can start to feel overwhelming.

Physical and mental health symptoms of parental burnout

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Physical symptoms of parental burnout are often the most pronounced and easiest to recognise, indicating that your body is reaching its limits under stress. This, naturally, can take a toll on your mental health too.

• Constant tiredness: You know that deep-down exhaustion that makes even getting off the couch feel like a workout? That’s burnout. When you’re this tired, everyday tasks can seem overwhelming, and you might find it hard to enjoy things you used to love.
• Upset stomach: Stress can often manifest in our tummies. You might feel nauseous or have a hard time eating. Some days, food might not sound good at all, while other days, you could feel like you’re starving.
• Getting sick more often: When you’re under a lot of stress, your immune system can take a hit, making you more likely to catch colds and other bugs. And when you do get sick, it might take longer to bounce back.

A recent increase in parental burnout

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The recent global pandemic, as noted by the World Health Organization, has significantly intensified parental burnout, affecting mental health not just for parents but for parents and children alike.

A revealing study from Ohio State University in May 2022 highlighted this issue vividly. Surveying nearly 1,300 working parents with children under 18, the study found alarming links between parental burnout and several mental health challenges.

Two-thirds of these parents reported feeling burnt out, a condition strongly correlated with increased anxiety, depression, and even higher alcohol consumption among them. Notably, parents with a personal history of anxiety were particularly vulnerable, with three-quarters of them experiencing burnout symptoms. This connection underscores how pre-existing mental health issues can exacerbate the stress and challenges of parenting during such turbulent times.

The study also shed light on how children’s mental health affects parental stress. Parents of children diagnosed with ADHD or anxiety found themselves more likely to suffer from burnout. This was also true for parents who suspected their child might have an undiagnosed mental health condition, adding an extra layer of concern and responsibility that could lead to greater parental stress.

Interestingly, the research noted a difference in burnout rates between mothers and fathers. While “mum burnout” was more prevalent due to traditional caregiving roles—with 68% of female parents reporting burnout—42% of male parents also experienced burnout, indicating that fathers are increasingly sharing in the emotional and practical burdens of parenting.

9 self-care ways to avoid parental burnout

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We’re not saying parenting can be made easy with the wave of a wand. (Although how cool would that be!) So yes, parenting is tough and will continue to be. It will stretch you thin and in moments of absolute chaos will force you to go crazy.

However, the good news is that there are effective ways to manage the physical and mental health challenges of burnout. Think of these like the fairy godmother who pops in to save the night!

1. Embrace (and demand) that spa day

Self-care is crucial even more so in parenting. It might be as simple as enjoying a quiet cup of tea or taking a warm shower while your partner puts the kids to bed.

Even those little moments can work wonders for your mood and energy. And here’s the good news: self-care doesn’t have to be fancy or costly. Simple things like taking deep breaths, going for a short walk, or having a chat with a friend can really boost your well-being.

These small actions help create a positive routine that balances the stresses of parenting. Remember, it’s not about how long you spend on self-care but about the quality and consistency of those moments.

2. Practice self-compassion

It’s normal to have days when you feel a bit emotionally distant or drained, which can make it harder to connect with others.

When you’re in that space, practice self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself and cut yourself some slack. Research shows that parents who treat themselves kindly tend to have better health and more fulfilling interactions with their kids. This benefits you and leads to positive outcomes for the whole family.

3. Seek support

Recognise when you’re overwhelmed and don’t hesitate to ask for help. Whether from a partner, a supportive friend, or an allied health professional like a GP or mental health professional, seeking support is a key life skill and a sign of strength. Support systems, including extended family and mental health professionals, can provide practical and emotional support when times get tough.

4.Flexibility in the workplace
Flexible work arrangements can be a lifeline for working parents, especially single parents. Employers and colleagues should stay alert to signs of job burnout and offer support proactively, helping to create a supportive work environment that acknowledges the broader parenting responsibilities and challenges.

5. Mindfulness
Mindfulness isn’t just a buzzword. It is important to acknowledge it in your routine. This practice isn’t about changing your situation but about becoming aware of the present moment without judgment. Recognising your thoughts and feelings without attaching labels can be incredibly freeing and grounding.

6. Validate all feelings
It’s okay to feel a range of emotions, including anger or sadness. Accepting and acknowledging these feelings without judgment helps you understand they are transient. The feeling will pass and no you do not hate your kids. You do however hate the tantrums that they throw.

7. Distance yourself from overthinking
Our brains are wired to anticipate and solve problems, which can lead to negative or unrealistic thoughts. Learn to recognise these thoughts for what they are: not facts but possibilities.

A simple acknowledgment like “thanks for the input, brain” can help create a healthy distance from these thoughts, reducing their impact.

8. Embrace the STOP Method
In the midst of a hectic day, it’s easy to ignore our needs until we reach a breaking point. You can make room for mindful pauses in your routine using the “STOP” method. This simple technique encourages you to:

Stop: Pause whatever you’re doing.

Take a breath: Draw a deep breath, focusing on a prolonged exhale to release tension.

Observe: Engage your senses fully. Feel your feet grounding into the earth, listen to the sounds around you, and notice the sights, smells, and tastes present.

Proceed: With this renewed sense of presence, move forward with intention, deciding the next best step in your day.

Sensory modulation techniques

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Sensory modulation techniques can be a fantastic way to handle stress and exhaustion without requiring too much mental effort. Here are a few simple methods to try:

• Deep pressure: Use weighted blankets, snuggle with a pet, or wrap yourself in a blanket. These actions help reduce stress by lowering your body’s arousal state.
• Rhythmical movements: Activities like walking, rocking, or yoga utilize big muscle groups and have a calming effect.
• Mindful of sensations: Pay attention to how your body feels during these activities. This awareness can significantly reduce stress levels.

Psst: Need a TV show that captures your struggles and you can relate to? Go ahead and pop in an episode of Bluey! You’ll love it!

Impact of parental burnout on families

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Parental burnout can deeply affect family life, influencing both your well-being and your relationships with loved ones.

The symptoms of burnout can take a serious toll on your mental health and may lead to various psychological challenges, such as:

• Brain fog: Difficulty in thinking clearly.
• Limited tolerance. A short temper may result in increased frustration and anger.
• Confusion and forgetfulness: Struggling with daily tasks and decision-making.
• Increased Stress Levels and Depression: Feelings of being overwhelmed, which can lead to sadness and loss of interest in enjoyable activities.
• Feelings of Isolation: Feeling detached from others and your surroundings.
• Poor Sleep: Struggling to get adequate rest, which compounds stress and fatigue.
• Obsessive-Compulsive Tendencies: Attempting to regain control through repetitive behaviors.

Partner relationships

The stress and mental strain of burnout can lead to breakdowns in communication with your partner, fostering resentment and frequent conflicts.

Parent-child relationship

Emotional distance may develop, putting space between you and your kids. Your relationship might feel strained. This can have drawbacks for your child’s emotional and social development, potentially leading to:

• Feelings of rejection
• Lowered self-esteem
• Disruptive and aggressive behaviours
• Social withdrawal

Parental burnout doesn’t just stop with you—it’s a risk factor for a host of other family issues. It can lead to academic burnout, anxiety, loneliness, and depression in kids.

As parents, we’re always putting our kids’ well-being above our own. But by not looking after ourselves, we can’t be as present, proactive, or responsive for our little ones. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Wrapping it up

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Parental burnout is real. It doesn’t make you a bad parent, partner, or grown-up. It also doesn’t mean that you don’t love your kids more than anything in the world.

It does mean you are so very human, dealing with the highs and lows that make parenting the hardest job out there. We can be obsessed with our little ones and still acknowledge the heaviness that can come with caring for them. Your feelings are valid, but make sure you care for them too.

If you need immediate support, here are some helplines.

Lifeline provides 24-hour crisis counselling, support groups and suicide prevention services. Call 13 11 14, text 0477 13 11 14 or chat online.

Beyond Blue aims to increase awareness of depression and anxiety and reduce stigma. You can call 1300 22 4636, 24 hours/7 days a week or chat online.

PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) supports families across Australia affected by anxiety and depression during pregnancy and in the first year of parenthood. Call 1300 726 306

Sources

COPE, Parental burnout, n.d

Web MD, What to Know About Parental Burnout, July 12 2023

Healthline, Dear Exhausted and Burnt Out Parents, We’re Here to Help, October 2021