Keep calm, keep clapping

If I’m running late and I need my two children to a wriggle on, it goes something like this:

‘Come on kids, time to get going so we’re not late!’ I feel reasonably calm. 

“Boys! Quick sticks! Toys away, shoes on - let’s get moving!” I feel f rustration brewing. 

“Guys! Mumma doesn’t want to get angry but she’s starting to feel very frustrated because you’re not listening.” I feel irritated and my voice has become raised. 

“Ok. If you both get ready right now, you can have a Tic Toc bickie in the car.” I feel helpless and ready to surrender. 

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At the very mention of a ‘treat’, their little limbs start to move. The pace of the room builds as finally my children are giddily walking towards the front door. As they move, I notice that no one is wearing shoes, and there’s a mess of toys everywhere. But there’s no time to fix any of that, seeing as I’m now rushing to find two Tic Tocs. 

My kids are going to be barefoot, on a sugar high … and I’ll be coming home to a messy house. Ugh. I feel flat & a tad resentful. 

But since the bribery worked and we’re at least in the car and on the way, I feel a small sense of relief. 

Until … 

Just minutes later I feel annoyed at myself for setting such an unhealthy precedent and giving in to my children when it’s my job to set boundaries and make rules – for my sake but mainly theirs. 

I appreciate that parents are only human and we can’t get everything right … but it’s so easy in the moment to be your harshest critic. Your inner voice starts saying; 

• Good one! Now they’ll expect a reward just for following simple instructions … 
• Idiot! Now they know my limit and they know how to get what they want
• Bugger. Their dental bills have just increased

To get around the bribery tactic (if we can even call it that), I needed a new technique to both capture my children’s attention when I needed it and to help them understand a sense of pace or urgency without yelling, ‘HURRY UP! MUMMY FEELS VERY FRAZZLED!!!”

So, hello clapping.

Parents, meet the clap

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I recently had dinner with a bunch of gorgeous mum-friends and we all had a laugh over just how much clapping goes on within our respective households. Our children; 

• Move towards to the bath to the beat of a clap
• Move towards to the car for school drop off, to the beat of a clap
• Pack up their toys, to the beat of a clap

They tend to move forward with more purpose and speed when a gentle clap is present. It seems so simple that it’s quite astonishing.

Being a curious writer myself, I was tempted to look into the origin of the clap. Where did it come from? I found a nice summary from the BBC:

The clap (or applause is) ‘… one of the earliest and most universal systems people have used to interact with each other – hand clapping.

Applause in the ancient world was acclamation but also communication – an early form of mass media connecting people to each other and to their leaders instantly, visually and, of course, audibly. Clapping today is much the same – in the studio, the theatre, in places where people become the public. We still smack our palms together to show our appreciation, to create, in cavernous spaces, connection.’

So, since the dawn of time, humans have used clapping to connect and communicate. It seems to have such a universal understanding, similar to the tapping of cutlery on a glass at a wedding. The clap asks for attention without making an overly dramatic scene.

In terms of the clap itself, it isn’t super loud, aggressive or threatening – it’s actually quite the opposite. Calm and rhythmic, with a friendly way of communicating ‘attention please, it’s time to …’

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Turns out, clapping creates peace

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Over the past few months I have found this method has helped my children (4.5 and 2 years):

• Understand their attention is wanted.
• Respond with a pace that mirrors the claps rhythm.
• Know they’ll rewarded with verbal praise and appreciation when they follow an order (which they love).
• Know how to avoid an impatient parent raising their voice around them and becoming uncomfortably flustered.

I feel the last point is important to mention because truth be told, no parent wants to yell at their children or raise their voice to achieve awareness or obedience. 

Parents want to live in a household that is peaceful, harmonious and calm. They want to enjoy their time with their kids. But in order to achieve and sustain this, parents (like children) need to learn new skills. So, maybe clapping is something to try.

I’ve been reading through some other posts online regarding the art of clapping as a method of parenting. In doing so, I’ve discovered that so many other parents clap too! 

One particular mum introduced a rhythm into her clapping style and her kids would then repeat it back to her. She wrote in a piece titled ‘How To Get Your Kids To Listen’:

‘…I began to use a simple technique heard in many schools – a rhythmic clap that my kids have to repeat. This is acknowledgement that they know I am asking for their attention. It is an audible signal to stop what they are doing. It is clear and direct. It doesn’t make me want to scream and yell in frustration! Kids like to move. Have you noticed how quickly they can memorise things, sing songs, and learn short simple tasks? This easy action of clapping is developmentally appropriate.’

I was quick to adopt this rhythmic clapping and … more success! Not 10 times out of 10, but at least 6  – which in parenting land is pretty good. The excitement to repeat at least turns their heads towards me so they can ready my body language saying it’s time to move.  

I love having this little trick up my sleeve because it means I am raising my voice less, I feel frustration brewing less, and I am bypassing the heaviness of guilt that surfaces when my frustration spoils the household mood! 

And the other beautiful thing is that I’m noticing my kids feel a sense of triumph and pride when they follow basic orders and receive a ‘thank you darling’ or ‘you’re being so well behaved!” They love knowing they’re succeeding! 

So what’s the point in writing a whole article about clapping?

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The ‘why’ behind the clap

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I know that too many parents struggle when they raise their voice or allow irritability to take over. No parent wants to yell and create tension. No parent wants to let rage be the way they direct their children to what’s right and what’s wrong. But let’s face it – parenting young, defiant children with fledgling emotional intelligence can be very, very tiresome. 

If you notice that you’re yelling more than usual, if you feel as though you’ve lost a sense of control in your role as parent, and if you notice the below below types of feelings bubble into your mindset:

• I shouldn’t have done that.
• They’re little and don’t understand.
• It’s not their fault we are running late.
• They are not to blame for the fact that I had a shitty sleep and feel low today.

First of all, you’re not alone. Parenting is hard. Next time you’re feeling on the brink of snapping, try a gentle clap to capture your children’s attention and just see what happens.

It may take a few rounds of clapping, a few different rhythms, some explaining or even asking ‘Hey buddy, can you repeat what mummy does?” … but it’s worth a try!