Tips for building confidence in kids

Ah, confidence. The skill that helps us through the sticky bits of life with a pep in our step that says, "Hey, I've got this."

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Confidence builds how they see themselves and interact with the world.

It makes kids more likely to take on new challenges, whether learning to ride a bike or navigating the treacherous waters of middle school social circles. They trust in their abilities, which means they’re more resilient when things don’t go their way. Instead of giving up, they’re more inclined to try again; failure is just part of the process, not the end of the road.

We know it’s important, but what’s the best way to encourage confident children?

Interestingly, psychologists are moving from the age-old precursor of a child’s self-esteem towards a new concept called ‘self-compassion.’

The pitfalls of self-esteem

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What do you think of yourself? How do you see yourself? Do you like yourself and value your achievements? The answer to these questions defines your opinion of the self – i.e., your self-esteem.

Self-esteem has (for quite some time) been linked with confidence. The thinking is that good self-esteem increases your confidence in your abilities.

This isn’t incorrect – when kids feel good about themselves or value their worth, they try and do awesome things!

But much of this self-belief is based on internal evaluation. It’s kind of like a constant report card kids keep of proof that they’re capable and good enough. A lot of these ‘measurements’ come from external validation; the words of affirmation they are (or aren’t) told, the awards they have (or haven’t) received, and the challenges they overcame (or didn’t.)

We recite lines in the mirror that we’re smart, talented, kind, you know the drill – but these fall short when a) those things aren’t reflected in our lives, b) we don’t actually believe them, and c) there’s no effort to create internal acceptance.

What happens when a day doesn’t go to plan? Or when we don’t do well on a test? Everyone has days when we don’t think well of ourselves, so what happens to our confidence then?

Self-esteem doesn’t truly account for a child’s effort. It also isn’t based on the one thing kids need most – compassion.

So when it comes to building confidence in kids, self-esteem isn’t sustainable enough by itself.

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Introducing self-compassion

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Psychologists are leaning into a new way to build confidence in kids, self-compassion.

The concept of ‘self-compassion’ was pioneered by educational psychologist Kristin Neff. In her words, it involves being, “kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes, or feel inadequate.”

In essence, you give yourself the kindness and grace that you give others.

There are three pillars:

• Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward yourself instead of judgmental and critical.
• Mindfulness: Holding space for all of your emotions – even the uncomfortable ones. You can acknowledge your ‘setbacks’ without letting them weigh you down.
• A sense of common humanity: Knowing that imperfection is a shared experience. No one gets it “right” 100% of the time – you’re not alone.

By being self-compassionate, kids can relate to themselves in a way that’s forgiving, accepting, and loving when things feel tough. Research shows that it’s one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience.

Self-compassion helps build a child’s confidence by:

Self-compassion helps build a child’s confidence by:

• Reducing fear of failure: Self-compassion helps kids see mistakes as part of learning, not personal failures. This makes it easier to take risks and build their confidence.
• Promoting resilience: Being kind to themselves when things go wrong helps them bounce back faster, keeping their confidence and motivation up.
• Encouraging self-acceptance: When kids can accept themselves, flaws and all, it makes their self-belief more sustainable.
• Lowering negative self-talk: Self-compassion shifts their inner dialogue to be more positive and encouraging, which builds a supportive mindset and boosts confidence.
• Fostering a growth mindset: By giving themselves grace, kids understand that growth comes from effort, not perfection. They can turn ‘failures’ into learning moments and find the small wins.

Strengthening emotional well-being: Self-compassion helps your child regulate their emotions for a steadier self-belief.

Whether it’s a game loss, friendship troubles, social anxiety, or facing new challenges, kids can navigate it more confidently because they know that it isn’t the end of the world.

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8 ways to boost confidence in kids (with self-compassion)

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1. Promote positive self-talk

To help your child build confidence, teach them to be aware of their inner dialogue. Negative thoughts can be reframed into something kinder (without dismissing the feeling.) For example, if they say, “I’m terrible at math,” guide them to say, “I’m learning and improving, and that’s what counts.” You can practice this together by role-playing different scenarios.

2. Normalise mistakes

Mistakes are a natural part of learning. So make it a part of your everyday conversations and model a positive attitude towards failure. Model handling failure like you’d model confidence, share your own experiences with failure and talk to them about what you learned. It takes the scariness away from imperfect moments and helps kids embrace challenges more confidently.

3. Practice mindfulness together

Introduce simple mindfulness practices, like deep breathing or focusing on their senses. For example, you can take a few minutes to sit quietly and listen to the sounds around you or take deep breaths together.

This helps kids become aware of their feelings without judgment and encourages them to respond to challenges with calmness and kindness.

4. Encourage growth mindsets

There’s so much value in praising effort over results. Instead of just congratulating them on good grades, say things like, “I’m so proud of how hard you studied for that test!” This takes the emphasis away from end results and external validation, instead placing it on the learning process.

5. Self-reflect

After a challenging situation, encourage kids to reflect on what happened. Ask guiding questions like, “What went well?” and “What could you do differently next time?” They can write down their thoughts in a journal. By self-reflecting, they can practice framing the event with self-compassion and growing from it.

6. Validate their emotions

Harsh criticism, sarcasm, and shaming can crush a kid’s confidence. Instead, aim to make your home a judgment-free zone where they can express their wild emotions without fear of disapproval or discomfort.

Listen like you’re taking notes for a PhD in “feelings” and validate their dramas. It helps them feel secure, loved, and far less likely to start a rebellion.

7. Encourage help-seeking

It’s perfectly okay to ask for help when you’re feeling stuck – so tell them that! Reinforce the idea that seeking support is a strength, not a weakness. You might practice role-playing situations where they can ask a teacher for clarification or a friend for help with a project, making it easier for them to reach out when needed.

8. Practice gratitude

Encourage kids to keep a gratitude journal where they jot down things they appreciate about themselves, their efforts, or positive experiences each day. You can also do this as a family activity, sharing what you’re grateful for during dinner.

Gratitude puts our thoughts into perspective, cutting back on our self-criticism and strengthening our emotional well-being.

Wrapping it up

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We all want our kids to be confident – but the kind of confidence that makes room for the tricky stuff.

Self-esteem has its place, but it needs to be paired with self-compassion. So that when things aren’t going fab or they’re feeling down, they can handle it with kindness (just like they would with a friend.)

That’s the secret to real, sustainable confidence.

Sources

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Raising Children, Self-compassion for children: 3-8 years, October 2023

Kristin D. Neff, Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion: A Narrative Review and Meta-Analysis on Their Links to Psychological Problems and Well-Being, August 2023

Kristin D.Neff, Why Self-Compassion Beats Self-Confidence, December 2017

David Robson, Why self-compassion – not self-esteem – leads to success, January 2021