Did everyone forget that second (and third) time mums need support too?

Javeria Adenwalla

Javeria Adenwalla

Javeria is a writer, a yogi and an absolute lover of life. She reports live from the trenches of motherhood, stepping on metaphoric landmines, and sharing her experiences with unwavering optimism as she raises her three musketeers. Whenever life throws her off balance, she swivels back to zen mode with the power of yoga. When she’s not busy mastering the art of parenting,...
Updated on Feb 13, 2024 · 8 mins read
Did everyone forget that second (and third) time mums need support too?

Imagine this: you find yourself in a hospital room, cradling your precious newborn in your arms, feeling a mix of exhaustion and elation. The incredible journey of bringing new life into the world has left you awestruck. As you gaze at your second child, a wave of emotions engulfs you. But amidst the joy and wonder, a nagging thought lingers in your mind: Will I have enough love, time, and energy to give each child the attention they deserve?

I remember that moment vividly. The day my second child was born, I expected a sense of familiarity to accompany the experience. After all, I had already gone through the ups and downs of motherhood with my firstborn. But to my surprise, the challenges that awaited me in the coming months were like a whirlwind. Balancing the needs of a newborn with those of a curious toddler felt like juggling two little tornados.

It’s time to shed light on this topic because, let’s be honest, raising multiple children isn’t a leisurely stroll in the park. And that’s precisely why we need to have an honest and heartfelt conversation about it. The struggles faced by second (and third) time mums often go unnoticed in the world of parenting. Their journey deserves just as much attention and the support they require should not be overlooked.

So, let’s delve into the untold struggles they encounter, the vital support they need, and why their journey is absolutely worthy of our attention.

1. The myth of the “easier” second baby

Remember how everyone told you that having a second baby would be a breeze? Well, let me burst that bubble for you. It turns out that the second (or third) round of parenthood comes with its own unique set of challenges. I remember the feeling of accomplishment as I unearthed the carefully stowed-away extra clothes of my firstborn, which she had outgrown in the blink of an eye without getting a chance to wear them even once! I felt proud of the efficient utilisation of those cute outfits (the sheer quantity of clothes accumulated for your firstborn, a mix of self-purchases and well-intentioned gifts, is a topic that warrants its own weighty discussion)but that’s as far as the train bearing the feeling of accomplishment went! Little did I know that what I truly needed to invest in were the arms of an octopus, given what awaited me in the precious months to come.

Many people assume that since you’ve already experienced motherhood once, you’ll breeze through it again. But let me tell you, my fellow parents, the second time around can be just as tough, if not tougher!

Now that we’ve debunked the myth of an “easier” second baby, let’s explore the juggling act that comes with parenting multiple children.

2. The juggling act

When you venture into the realm of parenting for the second or third time, it’s not merely a matter of adding another adorable bundle of joy into the chaos. It’s like enrolling in a circus act, where you must master the art of juggling a multitude of responsibilities while teetering on the edge of sanity. Back when you were parenting a single child, you could make decisions between two choices, pondering over how much time to invest in baby-related chores and the sacrifices you had to make to your once-happening lifestyle. Seemed manageable, right? But throw in another tiny human, and it’s no longer about surrendering your entire lifestyle. It’s about becoming a time-management wizard, desperately hoping for a parallel time warp that would allow you to divide your attention equally between the two little terrors. Or, you know, maybe just find a way to clone yourself.

From handling the needs of an energetic toddler to tending to a newborn who can’t distinguish between day and night, the juggling act is real. As a fellow parent, I can’t help but feel like a circus performer, trying to keep all the balls in the air without dropping a single one.

While we navigate the challenges of juggling multiple children, let’s explore another aspect that weighs heavily on second (and third) time moms—the guilt trip.

3. The guilt trip

As a parent, guilt seems to come hand in hand with the job description. When you have multiple children, the guilt trip can become a rollercoaster ride. Splitting your time and attention between two or more little ones can feel like a constant battle. You find yourself torn between soothing a crying baby and helping your older child with homework.

When someone embarks on the adventure of parenting for the second time, I can’t help but humorously congratulate them on getting a promotion from being a parent to being a full-blown referee! Levelling up in the parenting game, where mediating sibling squabbles and enforcing fair play is now part of your esteemed job description. But let’s save that hilarious topic for another day!

Now that we’ve explored the guilt trip, let’s move on to a universal challenge faced by parents—sleep deprivation.

4. Sleep? What sleep? 

Sleep deprivation is practically a parenting rite of passage. But guess what? It doesn’t magically disappear the second or third time around. In fact, it can feel even more intense when you have multiple children with different sleep patterns. While your older child may finally be sleeping through the night, your little bundle of joy will be waking up every few hours demanding attention. It’s like playing a game of tag-team sleep, except you never get tagged out.

I vividly remember the effects of sleep deprivation when I had two kids under the age of 2. It felt like I was constantly operating on autopilot, fueled by caffeine and sheer determination. Nights blurred into days, and exhaustion became my constant companion. I would stumble out of bed at the sound of a crying baby, desperately trying to soothe them back to sleep while hoping not to disturb my other child who had just drifted off. It was a delicate balancing act, and the lack of uninterrupted sleep took a toll on both my physical and mental well-being.

I recall how challenging those moments were, as even the simplest tasks became overwhelming mix-ups. Looking back now, I can find some humour in those situations, but in the midst of sleep deprivation, they felt far from comical. I remember instances like absentmindedly placing the milk in the pantry instead of the fridge or having a mental block when it came to remembering appointments. It’s funny how something as basic as organising chores suddenly felt like a monumental undertaking. And the irony of safeguarding an item by placing it in a “safe place” only to spend hours trying to recall where that safe place was is quite relatable. It’s in retrospect that I can now chuckle at the irony and appreciate the levity in those trying moments but during those times I only often found myself daydreaming about the luxury of a solid night’s sleep.

So, yes, sleep deprivation is an undeniable reality for parents, especially when you have multiple little ones. It’s an endurance test that pushes you to your limits.

As we discuss the challenges faced by second time mums, let’s address the societal pressure they encounter.

5. The pressure to “bounce back”

After giving birth, mums often face societal pressure to “bounce back” and reclaim their pre-baby figures. Unfortunately, this pressure doesn’t discriminate against second or third time mums. As if juggling the needs of their children wasn’t enough, they also have to deal with body image expectations that society unfairly places on them. Let’s be real, fellow parents: pregnancy and childbirth change our bodies, and that’s perfectly okay. We should be celebrating our bodies for the incredible journey they’ve been through, regardless of the number of times we’ve been down this road.

Rebuilding the village: The essential support for second and third time mums

Remember that famous African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child”? Well, it’s not just a catchy phrase, my friends. It’s the truth. But somehow, when one becomes a mum for the second time, it feels like the existing village mysteriously vanishes. Friends and family assume they’ve got it all under control since they’ve been through it before. But the reality is, the mum with a newborn and an existing child still needs support, a listening ear, encouragement, a helping hand, or even just a virtual hug that can make a world of difference.

From the myth of an “easier” second baby to the sleepless nights and the pressure to “bounce back,” these mums go through it all with style and grace. But let’s not just applaud from afar, let’s be there for them. It could be offering to babysit so they can catch a much-needed nap, or simply being a sympathetic ear to listen to their victories and struggles.

As we navigate the beautiful and challenging world of motherhood, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the incredible journey of second and third time mums. Their path may not be as new and shiny as that of first-time parents, but it holds its own significance and deserves our unwavering support.

We must remember that parenting is far from a one-size-fits-all journey. It’s an ever-evolving experience that teaches us patience, resilience, and unconditional love. In these moments, let’s come together as a village, or in true-blue Aussie terms, a whole flamin’ neighbourhood, to support and uplift one another.

No matter how many children we have or what stage of motherhood we find ourselves in, let’s celebrate the remarkable journey of second (and third) time motherhood. Every step we take, and every challenge we overcome, is a testament to the strength and determination that resides within us.

Together, let’s build a nurturing and empowering community that embraces the beautiful chaos of motherhood and supports one another along the way.

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