Why striving for perfection might be hurting your kids
Welcome to the era of performative parenting, where the pressure to be perfect is higher than a toddler on a sugar rush. I've been there, done that, and bought the organic, ethically sourced t-shirt.
But here’s a wild thought: what if all this striving for perfection is actually doing more harm than good?
I remember the day I hit rock bottom in my quest for parental perfection. There I was, at 5 AM, frantically kneading sourdough while watching yet another Ballerina Farm video, wondering why my bread never looked as rustic and effortlessly beautiful as hers.
My kitchen was a disaster, I was exhausted, and my kid would probably prefer store-bought bread anyway. That’s when it hit me:
1) I am never going to be as good at bread as Ballerina Farm.
2) If I can’t perfect her life, maybe I could just focus on perfecting my own version of life.
I introduce to you the wild concept of the ‘good enough parent’. No, it’s not an excuse to let your kids feral-roam the neighbourhood while you binge-watch reality TV (though I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered it). It’s about recognising that perfection is not only impossible – it’s potentially detrimental to both you and your kids.
The ‘good enough parent’ philosophy
Allow me to talk science-y for a moment.
Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, suggests that a secure attachment between parent and child is crucial for healthy development. But here’s where we’ve got things confused: this attachment doesn’t require perfection. It requires responsiveness and consistency. In other words, being there for your kid when they need you, not crafting Pinterest-worthy bento boxes for their lunch every day.
I used to spend hours scrolling through Nara Smith’s Instagram, marveling at her seemingly effortless ability to balance motherhood, fashion, and a picture-perfect lifestyle. I’d look at my own life—the piles of laundry, the hastily thrown together meals, the general chaos—and feel like a complete failure.
But you know what? My son didn’t care that I wasn’t an Instagram-worthy mom. He cared that I was there, that I listened, that I loved him.
Before you send the Trad-Wife police out for me, it’s not just me going on about this topic.
The “good enough” parent is a bonafide term coined by paediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott He recognised that children benefit from manageable frustrations and disappointments. It’s like emotional weightlifting – these small failures build resilience and problem-solving skills. So when I forgot to move the Elf on the Shelf for the third night in a row, I wasn’t scarring my children for life.
I was giving them an opportunity to flex their emotional muscles (and, let’s be honest, teaching them the valuable life skill of creative excuse-making).
The pursuit of parental perfection isn’t just potentially harmful to kids—it’s turning parents into stressed-out, guilt-ridden messes (their words not mine). In fact, a study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that parents with perfectionistic tendencies experienced higher levels of stress and were more likely to engage in controlling parenting behaviours.
In other words, trying to be Mary Poppins is more likely to turn you into Cruella de Vil. I’ve certainly had my Cruella moments, usually right after a failed attempt at 5am breadmaking.
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Putting the ‘good enough parent’ to practice
So, what’s a well-meaning but imperfect parent to do?
Here’s where a sly smirk draws across my face: embrace your inner “meh” parent.
Lower those standards to a more realistic level.
Did your kids eat something vaguely nutritious today? Are they relatively clean and mostly uninjured? Congratulations, you’re nailing it.
It’s around about here that I know you’re freaking out. Listen, the Pareto principle, also known as the 80/20 rule, says that roughly 80% of effects come from 20% of causes. Applied to parenting, this could mean that 80% of positive outcomes for your kids come from 20% of your parenting efforts. So maybe, just maybe, obsessing over that last 20% is an exercise in diminishing returns.
Now, I’m not suggesting we all become slacker parents who consider “not setting anything on fire today” as the pinnacle of achievement (though there have been days when I’ve been tempted to set the bar that low). But perhaps it’s time to recalibrate our definition of good parenting. Instead of striving for perfection, let’s aim for good enough.
What might this look like in practice? For me, it’s reading “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” for the 157th time because my kid loves it, even though I’d rather stick a fork in my eye. It’s letting my toddler wear mismatched socks because, really, who cares? It’s ordering pizza when I’m too exhausted to cook, without spiralling into a guilt vortex about processed foods and vegetable intake.
The beauty of the “good enough” approach is that it allows room for the most important aspects of parenting: love, presence, and connection. When we’re not consumed by the pursuit of perfection, we have more energy to actually enjoy our kids. And isn’t that the whole point?
Moreover, by modelling imperfection and resilience, we’re teaching our kids valuable life skills.
In a world that increasingly demands perfection, showing our children that it’s okay to make mistakes, to be human, might be the greatest gift we can give them.
Wrapping it up
The next time you see that Instagram post of a mum who apparently has time to create elaborate fairy gardens while simultaneously running a Fortune 500 company and maintaining six-pack abs, remember this: comparison is the thief of joy, and perfection is the enemy of the good enough manifesto.
Instead of striving to be a perfect parent, aim to be a real one. Embrace the mess, the mistakes, and the moments of sheer absurdity that come with raising tiny humans. Your kids don’t need a perfect parent – they need you, in all your flawed, trying-your-best glory.
And if all else fails – the kids who ate dirt on the playground probably have better immune systems anyway.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some store-bought bread to toast for my kids’ breakfast.
Ballerina Farm, eat your heart out.
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