What is the ideal age gap between siblings?

Whether you are recently married, in a long-term relationship or in the ‘getting on in age' bracket… the questions generally start to arise around when considering having kids. But then, once you've had a baby, it moves to ‘So when are you having another one?'

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This can throw you off guard, especially if you haven’t thought about having a second child! If you do want to have more children, then there are a few questions you likely need to ask yourself. How many kids do you want in total? Have you considered the pros and cons of raising siblings? Are you ready to go through it all again? The pregnancy.. the toll on your body.. the labour.. the sleep deprivation.. and one that you will certainly ask yourself is, what is the ideal age gap between the siblings?

Now, these are all valid questions, and in a perfect world, everything would go according to plan! The reality, of course, is that you can plan as much as you want, but sometimes, things don’t always turn out that way. For those of you unsure of whether or not to have an only child, we decided to look at the pros and cons of having siblings with different age gaps.

Pros and cons of having siblings in the first place

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Pros:

• Siblings, whether they have casual fights or not, form a lifetime companionship.
• Kids with siblings are more likely to develop social skills faster than single children.
• Siblings will share their childhood memories with each other- enhancing family ties.
• The eldest can act as a role model to the younger sibling and influence their behaviour/interests.
• Children can share clothes or school supplies with their brother or sister, which can ease the family’s financial burden.
• Children who grow up with siblings are exposed to different types of personalities earlier than only children.
• Siblings can entertain each other with play dates- giving more time for parents to relax.
• Having siblings increases the feeling of being part of a team- so they cover you if you get in trouble.

Cons:

• While children with siblings might compete for each parent’s attention, single children receive the undivided attention of their parents.
• Children with siblings might experience jealousy if they’re compared to one another, impacting their self-esteem.
• The eldest might feel overloaded by responsibilities related to their younger brother or sister.
• Raising more than a single child will cost you more in education, extracurricular activities and other expenses.
• Parents who have an only child have more flexibility to focus on their careers.
• Taking care of more than one child can increase the stress levels of parents.

We covered the pros and cons of having siblings from social skills aspect to financial situation. Now, let’s discuss the difference between having a shorter gap (under 3 years) and having a longer gap (3 years or more) between children. As you go through this section, you’ll realise that there’s no “one size fits all” solution to leaving an age gap between your children. However, we’ll explore the pros and cons of shorter and longer age gaps.

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Shorter gap – under 3 years

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Pros:

• Siblings will likely grow up with a closer relationship as they are closer in age and at similar developmental stages.
• You can navigate these stages as a whole family rather than one child being further ahead and/or being left out.
• Financially, this can be a benefit as you can reuse all the baby items and toys before they get too old (and not have to store them, taking up space in your house for too long).
• You ride the wave of sleep deprivation all at once, and then you’re done with it.
• Siblings with closer age gaps tend to exhibit less sibling rivalry/jealousy as the older brother or sister is too young to have developed these emotions yet.
• Unfortunately, age is a factor for women, so having children sooner gives you a better chance of conceiving and carrying a healthy baby to term.
• Since the age gap is shorter, parents’ knowledge is still fresh and up to date; therefore, their skills can benefit both siblings.

Cons:

• The closer the kids are in age, the more demanding they are likely to be – toddlers require a lot of hands-on care.
• Physical needs of toddlers – can be quite physical and need to be carried, lifted in and out of cot etc, which can be very difficult on your body – especially during pregnancy and when you have a newborn.
• The physical toll on your body from back-to-back births.
• Two children in nappies equals double the cost and double the possible poo explosions than a single child.
• Dealing with the terrible twos and threenagers means toddlers just finding their feet and their voices, which they aren’t shy about telling you – and not to mention chucking a good old tantrum to get their way.
• Closer gaps can also be tough on the hip pocket, without the ability to get back on track after taking time out of work the first time.
• Parents, especially aging parents, may have less “me time” for themselves and “we time” for their relationship.
• In the long run, the education expenses of siblings, including school tuition, can be burdensome.

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Longer gaps – 3 years or more

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Pros:

• Older kids can take responsibility in younger siblings’ lives and support them – older siblings love being made to feel important.
• Older siblings can be less demanding on you physically, as they are running around and are usually toilet trained by this stage, too – which saves on money and time.
• If an older child is in preschool/school, this frees up your time to focus on the younger sibling and to give yourself a break from taking care of two.
• You are spreading the cost of the children out, so things like school fees won’t come in one lump sum.
• You’ll have more time to get your body fit and healthy again to take on another pregnancy.
• You can get back into work/or a career rather than taking a big block of time out.
• You’ll possibly have more energy (even extra time to have coffee with your best friend) because you are not looking after a demanding toddler at the same time.
• Each child can receive extra attention and can help you build individual relationships with both younger and older children.

Cons:

• Just when you get your sleep (and your life back) – a newborn comes along to take it away again.
• You might need to restock up on baby items/toys if they are too old or don’t meet standard requirements anymore.
• Once you do get back into work, you then have to step away again.
• As your body gets older, your egg count and quality deteriorate – so it may not be as easy a process as you had hoped.
• As there’s an age gap between the younger sibling and the older child, you might need to adapt yourself to different play styles.
• There might be some bonding issues between the first-born and the second-born child.
• While one child is in middle school, the other one might be in primary school. So, you might need to juggle between different extracurricular activities.
• If there’s a significant age gap, older siblings can assume a “parent” role.

Let's wrap up all the advantages and disadvantages

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After considering all the pros and cons of having siblings, we conclude that there really is no “perfect” answer for whether to have more than an only child. The same goes for calculating the age gap if you ever decide to have more than an only kid.

Let’s admit – we don’t live in an ideal world where two siblings or parents are built in together. Each mum and dad has their personality, and each child will have their unique personality/interests in the future. Some siblings might just get along and become each other’s best friends for life, and some are so different that they fight.

Just do what feels right for you, your body, your partner and your stage in life. For some parents, having a single child may be a better financial/mental choice, while for others, having two children has many advantages, so having an only child is not even an option.

Also, as anyone who has tried for a baby knows, you can do everything under the sun to fall pregnant and do all the planning you like, but ultimately, it will happen when it happens. So, take your time to decide, consider all the pros and cons of having siblings. Talk to friends your own age who have siblings or were only children. If you already have a kid, discuss the idea of having a second child with your partner.

Frequently asked questions

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Frequently asked questions

1. How does having siblings affect social skills?

Having siblings benefits your children in many ways, including affecting their social skills. Growing up with siblings exposes them to constant interaction and complex social dynamics. Children with siblings tend to develop a broader perspective, easily comprehend their siblings’ POV and understand other people’s needs. They also learn to cooperate and work as a team earlier than single children by sharing household responsibilities and playing together.

2. Can sibling rivalry be managed effectively?

Implementing several strategies can help you manage sibling rivalry effectively. One terrific way to reduce rivalry is by setting rules and expectations. Not spending individual time with each child can lead to rivalry. So, it’s crucial to spend one-on-one time with each kid and develop unique relationships. Lastly, it’s critical to avoid comparing children with their siblings or other kids. Eventually, each child is unique, with distinct personalities and interests.

3. What is the impact of sibling relationships on adult life?

The answer to this question can depend on various factors, such as parenting style, nature, and family dynamics. Positive sibling relationships can support each person’s mental health and strengthen the family bond. Siblings can support each other during stressful times or turning points.

Conversely, negative relationships can have destructive impacts on adult life. Siblings with negative relationships can experience strained family ties, limited support from their family members, and harbour feelings of resentment.

4. How does birth order influence sibling dynamics?

Birth order can impact sibling dynamics. Firstborns usually assume the leadership role and take responsibility for their younger siblings. Therefore, elder siblings can try to control or guide their younger siblings. If older siblings assume this role so much, it might lead to conflict between siblings.

Middle children often act as negotiators between older and younger siblings. They might also become more independent if they feel outranked by their older and younger siblings.

The youngest child, on the other hand, often receives the lion’s share of attention from the parents. This can lead to a tendency for them to be more dependent and attention-seeking. Additionally, they may be more keen to take risks to stand out from their older siblings.

Only children often have a close relationship with their parents, as they receive undivided attention. They’re also more likely to be perfectionists due to high expectations from parents and no siblings.