Parenting versus your relationship: How to manage the juggle

Parenting with your partner is a special privilege.  

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It can, however, be complex and fraught with shifting expectations as you evolve with the twists of parenthood.

You are learning their limits and they are learning yours. You are learning their sleep-deprived quirks (so to speak) and they are learning yours. You are learning your boundaries and they are learning their own. You are learning to put yourself second (if not third or fourth) and they’re doing the same. 

It’s a delicate time, especially for the first 12 months after your first child is born. You’re meeting a brand new version of your loved one. Sometimes you’ll be amazed by their companionship and other times, you’ll feel frustrated or disappointed. 

When my first baby was born, my husband and I were actually great team players. I cared for the baby a lot more as I was breastfeeding and my husband carried the ‘home load’ – the washing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, sterilising and general tidying. It worked beautifully.

Come baby number two, however, things became more complex and far less ‘black and white.’

I took the baby, he took the toddler… and the house? It became an unmanned territory. Sometimes we successfully divide and conquer but at other times we struggle. We’d both watch a pile of washing grow and grow and mutually think, ‘When are they going to fold that?’ As time went by and the pile compounded, so did our frustration. 

With that came a wave of passive aggression – the last thing a tired household needs. Passive aggression sparks resentment, which can be extremely detrimental and quick to escalate.

Diffusing with discussion

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After a few tiffs underlined by the classic new-parent battle, ‘Who is doing it tougher?’, we quickly learned to voice our thoughts and feelings.

This nurtured a deeper understanding of each other’s expectations. This meant we could make a plan and leave all assumptions at the door.

This ‘plan’ doesn’t have to mimic the rostered duty you once had in a share-house 15 years ago. A  mere calm and simple discussion highlighting each other’s zones is all that it takes. You do this and I will do that.

Before I move on, you may note that I’m yet to mention ‘paid work’. While I appreciate one parent (or both) will continue to work full-time (or part-time) in the paid workforce, I firmly believe that household chores and organisation must be shared. 

Primary care for children does not concern housework (in my eyes). It concerns keeping children alive which is a full-time, 24/7, 7 days a week, unpaid (barely acknowledged) job.

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Divide and conquer

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Okay, on to zone defence!

To divvy the household roles, we played to our strengths and tried to rationalise the division of labour. We’re not here to punish each other, we’re aiming for harmony. Here’s how we did it:

• I am at home more during the day, so I can wash and tidy while the boys sleep or are safe and occupied.

• My husband enjoys cooking and finds it soothing after work, so he takes the ‘adult’ cooking duties. I feed the boys.

• Given the boys are in my care most of the time, I am better equipped to know what we need at the supermarket each week (groceries, nappies, wipes, toiletries etc). Therefore, I adopted this zone. 

• On the weekend, my husband loves to play outside with the boys. For this reason, he took the job of lawn mowing (and thank god for that!).

• I am very particular about the sheets being fresh every Sunday. My job.

• My husband is very particular about how the dishwasher is stacked each night. His job. 

Again, the aim is not to punish each other with dreaded tasks and chores. It’s simply working out how to create and maintain harmony so the household runs smoothly. It’ll never be seamless, so smooth or smoother is a good goal.

Lastly; outsourcing.

We decided to invest in a cleaner once per fortnight. When you become a parent, it quickly becomes obvious what invites unwanted angst into the home. For me, it’s an unclean or untidy environment. For this reason, this particular investment conquers a few things at once;

• I feel calmer and more able to handle my ‘zones’.
• It frees up time for quality ‘family time’. Instead of cleaning on the weekend, we can all get outside and spend time together as a four.

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Investing in your relationship

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When the division of labour is done, we find it important to invest time and energy into our own relationship as a ‘couple’. Not as co-parents. but as husband and wife. 

While we both adore spending as much time as possible as a family, we also value our relationship outside of that. If that cracks, the family inside of it also cracks.

So to keep things humming, we make the time to get out of the house and reconnect. 

We do our best not to talk about the kids but rather just check in with each other.  The highlights of the weeks, the lowlights, our individual and family aspirations, etc.

A great tip for anyone looking to open up a conversation with your partner is the Gentle Habits Connection Cards. Designed to be a gentle ‘ice breaker,’ you’ll be amazed just how quickly these cards encourage you to become invested in each other’s thoughts and feelings.

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Onto some ‘date’ ideas. 

If you’re unable to get out of the house (I appreciate child care is pricey and not everyone has family around), get comfy somewhere and hold space for each other. Perhaps start by saying the highlight of your day. I’ve found lowlights compound quickly when you’re tired! 

Do something new and random. If you’re in a place where you’ve found each other nit-picking, going out for drinks or dinner can exacerbate negative emotions due to alcohol ( at least in my experience.) Bring some fun into the date! Minigolf, a swim at the beach, a couples massage.

Send each other random texts during the day with a simple acknowledgment or an ‘I love you.’ You never know what kind of day your partner is having. A warm message like this is likely to make their day.

Be organised. Finding a spare moment to go on a date at the last minute is next to impossible. Get your diaries out and schedule 2 or 3 dates within the coming months (even if it’s the next 6 months!) Having something locked in (including the care arrangements for the kids) brings excitement and anticipation. And as life is so busy, you tend to forget about the date, only to be pleasantly surprised when you check your diary!

Wrapping it up

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Parenting with the person you adore is a gift. Most of the time, it’s wonderful. 

But at times it can feel exceptionally hard. You lose sight of each other. You forget to communicate. You fall into a slump that can turn into a rut if left uncared for. 

A huge part of caring for your children is caring for each other. There are few things as stressful for young children to see, hear and feel as their parents breaking apart (even if it’s just bickering). Coming from someone with divorced parents, I remember what it felt like to know my parents were unhappy. Despite their best efforts to save face for us – children are far more emotionally observant than we think.

Love is a superpower. It holds us together. But like most other things in life, it needs to be nurtured and prioritised. Yes, you’re a parent. But you’re still you and they are still them… so remember to find each other amongst the mental load.