How to raise boys who are kind, confident, and responsible
There are a lot of messages out there about what boys "should" be. Some of these narratives (like those ascribed to Andrew Tate, podcast 'bros', and TikTok comment sections) can perpetuate rhythms of misogyny under the guise of self-improvement.
Boys’ identities are being forged under these outdated, and frankly, scary, ideals of manhood and masculinity. While we might not be able to rid the internet of these voices, we can raise young men who resist them.
That’s why we created this guide in collaboration with Gen Muir, social worker, parent educator, and mum to four sons. Gen has spent over 15 years working alongside families, helping parents understand what boys really need to thrive – more connection. Young boys need to feel safe, seen, and accepted for who they are.
So if you’re wondering how to raise boys who are kind, confident, responsible, and deeply connected to themselves and others, read on.
Understanding the emotional needs of boys
Boys are wired for deep connection
There’s a long-standing myth that boys are born less emotional or less sensitive than girls. But research — and any parent who has lived through toddler tantrums — knows the truth.
In the words of Gen Muir, “Our boys come into the world deeply sensitive and wired for connection.”
But slowly, the world begins to tell them otherwise. The loud messages start to sneak in: “Toughen up.” “Boys don’t cry.” “Don’t be a sook,” or in this age, an “incel.”
“And so, the soft gets hidden. The vulnerability gets shut down,” Gen says.
By early primary school, many boys have already learned that emotional expression isn’t safe, softness must be hidden, and their worth is tied to toughness alone. This puts them at higher risk of mental health struggles as they grow older.
Sign up
Get tailored content based on your week of pregnancy
By signing up, you agree to receiving our Newsletters. Cancel anytime.
How emotional suppression leaves boys vulnerable
When boys are cut off from their emotional lives, a dangerous vacuum forms — one often filled by toxic narratives and voices promising to “teach” them how to be men.
Without strong emotional foundations, words for their feelings, safe spaces to share, and adults who model tenderness, boys can be swept up into a world that tells them their anger is their only acceptable emotion.
“What boys need,” Gen explains, “is a safe space to stay soft. To know that they can be strong and sensitive. That they can cry and still be courageous. That they don’t have to choose between connection and confidence.”
Without that, boys may end up seeking identity in spaces that teach domination over empathy, and power over partnership.
How to build emotional safety
Boys who feel emotionally safe at home, who know that their big feelings will be met with kindness rather than shame, are boys who are far less likely to seek identity and validation in harmful places.
According to Gen Muir, “When boys feel safe, seen, and accepted, they flourish.”
Creating that sense of safety is a daily practice. These are some ways Gen suggests fostering it.
1. Validate, don’t diminish
It’s tempting to brush off boys’ emotions in the moment, especially when they’re inconvenient or messy. But doing so teaches them that their feelings are wrong or dangerous.
Instead:
- Name what you see: “You’re feeling really disappointed about losing that game.”
- Acknowledge their reality: “It’s hard when you don’t get picked first.”
For example, your son stomps off the soccer field after losing a match. Instead of saying, “Don’t be a sore loser” (which we hope wouldn’t be your instinct anyway), you could say, “That loss feels really hard. I’m proud of how much effort you gave.”
2. Sit beside them through the storm
When boys are melting down, shutting down, or lashing out, they don’t need fixing. They need company. This is an opportunity to spend time and talk to them.
As Gen says, “What they need instead? Us. Sitting beside them. Naming what we see. Saying, ‘You’re allowed to feel angry. I won’t let you hit, but I’ll help you calm down.”
This teaches boys that feelings can be survived and relationships last through storms, not just sunshine.
You might say something like, “You’re mad your tower fell. It’s okay to feel angry. I’m here with you. Let’s find another way to calm your body.”
3. Model emotional literacy
Boys learn emotional regulation by seeing how we manage big feelings ourselves.
Normalise emotional conversations:
- “I felt really nervous before my presentation today.”
- “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.”
Instead of bottling up your bad day at work, share it lightly with your son: “I had a tough meeting today, and it made me feel a little stressed. I’m going to take a walk to clear my head.”
By naming our own feelings and showing healthy ways to move through them, we give boys a roadmap for their own emotional lives.
Building respectful and compassionate boys
The culture of outrage, dominance, and disrespect is loud. If we want boys to choose a different path, we must make compassion and empathy louder at home.
Respect is something boys absorb through every daily interaction.
Gen Muir explains that, “Our boys aren’t just learning from what we tell them. They’re absorbing how we treat others – how we speak to ourselves, how we manage stress, how we repair after conflict.”
If boys experience respect and are treated as worthy even when they mess up, they will grow into respectful men.
1. Model respectful relationships everywhere
Respect doesn’t just mean saying “please” and “thank you.” It means:
- Listening without interrupting
- Holding boundaries calmly, not with shame
- Owning our mistakes and apologising sincerely
When boys see power used with kindness and empathy, they learn that real strength lifts others up.
For example, instead of snapping “Because I said so!” when setting a limit, try: “I hear that you’re upset. I’m still saying no to more screen time tonight, and I love you.”
2. Celebrate tenderness, not just toughness
Boys are innately loving and tender in their friendships, with their pets, and in how they look after siblings.
But if we only celebrate their toughness and independence, we send the message that their softness is something to be hidden or ashamed of.
Instead, we should name and celebrate it:
- “It was so kind how you helped your brother after he fell.”
- “I love how gentle you were with your friend today.”
“If we want to raise emotionally intelligent men,” Gen reminds us, “we have to model emotionally intelligent humanity.”
Try this: Invite your son to help comfort a younger sibling or pet, and name the tenderness you see in real time.
Raising confident and independent boys
In today’s culture, confidence is often confused with dominance. Boys are sold the idea that being loud, aggressive, and emotionally shut off makes them strong.
Truthfully, real confidence is the quiet belief that “I am enough,” even when life gets hard. It’s a resilience rooted in inner worth and security.
As Gen points out, “It’s not about toughening boys up – it’s about letting them stay soft and strong at the same time.”
When boys feel deeply accepted, they don’t need to seek validation from toxic online figures telling them to “man up” by tearing others down.
Try these steps to build a confident little boy.
1. Encourage healthy risk-taking
Boys are wired to explore, climb, and push boundaries. Rather than shutting this down, we can encourage safe risk-taking:
- Trying new activities even if they might fail
- Taking emotional risks like apologising or speaking up
- Letting them experience the natural consequences of mistakes
Activity ideas by age:
- Ages 3–5: Climb new playground equipment under supervision
- Ages 6–8: Order their own meal at a café
- Ages 9–12: Try out for a school club or give a speech
Each time a boy tries something hard and survives, his confidence grows.
2. Praise effort over outcomes
Instead of focusing only on results (“You’re the best!”), celebrate perseverance and bravery:
- “You worked so hard to build that project.”
- “I’m proud of you for sticking with it even when it got tough.”
This builds a growth mindset – that success comes from effort, not just natural talent.
3. Foster critical thinking
Teach boys to question what they see online. When they encounter “bro culture” influencers preaching cruelty as strength, help them ask:
- “Does this person seem to respect others?”
- “How do they treat people who disagree with them?”
- “What do you think real strength looks like?”
Critical thinking helps boys reject toxic ideals before they take root.
Raising boys who are responsible and accountable
Toxic masculinity thrives on blame, deflection, and a refusal to take responsibility. We can raise boys who resist this by teaching from an early age that true strength includes owning mistakes, repairing relationships, and being accountable for their impact on others.
Gen explains that “boys need both structure and softness. Firm boundaries, delivered with deep connection.”
Here’s how to positively support accountability in your child.
1. Hold firm, loving boundaries
Boundaries teach boys that:
- Their actions have consequences
- Their feelings are valid, but don’t excuse harmful behaviour
- Love is constant, even when correction is needed
When boys experience consistent, compassionate limits, they learn that relationships survive even hard moments.
2. Embrace natural consequences
Rather than rescuing or punishing unnecessarily, let life teach important lessons:
- Forgetting homework? Facing the teacher’s reminder.
- Breaking a toy? Losing the use of it.
- Stay empathic without rescuing:
- “That’s tough. I believe you’ll figure out how to fix it next time.”
3. Teach repair over punishment
When boys mess up (and they will), shift the focus from blame to repair:
- “What do you think you can do to make this right?”
- “How can you fix things with your friend?”
Helping boys learn to apologise sincerely, make amends, and reflect strengthens their relationships and sense of true integrity.
Books and resources for raising boys
“Raising Boys in the 21st century” by Steve Biddulph
If you’re looking for a foundational guide to understanding boys, this classic is a brilliant place to start.
Steve Biddulph maps out the key emotional and developmental stages boys move through with deep insight and compassion.
He doesn’t just tell you what boys need (like movement, mentorship, and real-world responsibility), he explains why those needs are so crucial, and how to meet them without crushing their spirit.
“Mothering Our Boys” by Maggie Dent
Maggie Dent brings huge heart and honesty to the complex, beautiful work of raising boys.
This book digs into why boys often express emotion differently and how mums, in particular, can nurture that sensitivity without seeing it as weakness. It’s packed with relatable examples, small mindset shifts that make a big difference, and a reminder that boys need to be understood, not ‘fixed.’
“The Whole-Brain Child” by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
While not boy-specific, this book is essential for anyone trying to parent in a way that builds true emotional intelligence.
Siegel and Bryson explain how children’s brains are wired and why understanding this can completely change how you respond to tantrums, meltdowns, or withdrawal.
It presents 12 simple strategies that help boys manage big emotions, handle frustration, and recover from setbacks. These skills are vital for resisting toxic ideals of “strength.”
“Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys” by Stephen James and David Thomas
Wild Things captures the wild energy of raising boys like no other book. It breaks down boyhood into five emotional stages and provides really grounded, practical advice for what boys are craving at each phase (and how to meet them there without losing your mind).
This book reassures you that the chaos, noise, and roughness of boyhood should be seen as invitations to connect.
“How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men” by Michael C. Reichert
Michael Reichert’s book is a powerful antidote to the “toughen them up” school of thought.
Drawing from decades of research, he shows that boys thrive when relationships stay strong.
Reichert explains how disconnection damages boys’ mental health, why emotional suppression leaves them vulnerable to toxic masculinity, and what parents (and communities) can do to raise boys who are compassionate, resilient, and unafraid of their own emotions.
It’s a must-read if you want your son to grow into a man who leads with both strength and kindness.
Podcasts
Parental As Anything with Maggie Dent
If you love Maggie’s books, you’ll love her podcast too.
Each episode is short, practical, and packed with down-to-earth advice you can really use (and not feel like you’re failing if you’re not a perfect parent).
Especially good if you’re juggling work, kids, and the million emotional curveballs that come with raising boys.
Raising Good Humans Podcast
Dr. Aliza Pressman is a developmental psychologist, but she talks like a real parent. Her episodes are thoughtful, practical, and focused on emotional intelligence, respectful boundaries, and raising kids who think and feel deeply. Perfect if you want to parent boys with empathy and strength.
Online resources
@nurturedfirst (Instagram)
If you ever need a gentle reminder that connection matters more than control, Nurtured First is where to go.
It’s full of bite-sized parenting tips and heart-first reminders that boys are not wild animals to be tamed, they are humans learning how to navigate big feelings in a confusing world.
Scrolling through their posts always feels like a deep breath on a hard parenting day.
Connected Parenting Courses by Gen Muir
Gen Muir’s workshops are pure gold (take it from us!). She combines deep expertise (as a social worker and mum to four boys) with so much empathy and humour.
Her courses are packed with really practical, real-world strategies, like how to hold strong boundaries and stay connected when boys push back (hard).
For anyone stuck between being “too soft” or “too strict,” Gen’s work shows you there’s a much better way.
Final thoughts
When we raise boys who are connected to their hearts, who know that strength and tenderness can live side-by-side, we raise boys who aren’t vulnerable to toxic ideals.
We raise boys who lead with courage, kindness, and accountability. We raise boys who are critical thinkers, compassionate friends, respectful partners, and wise leaders.
And it doesn’t come from ‘fixing.’ It comes with fiercely protecting the precious humanity they were born with.
Related Articles
Loved this article?
Share with a friend
