Expert Advice: How to Safeguard Your Relationship During Stressful Times
Do the days when you and your partner connected effortlessly feel like a distant memory?
Maybe you look back fondly on the times you could finish a conversation without being interrupted, when weekends felt spacious and connecting didn’t feel like work. You know… before the demands of parenting and daily life took over?
Life with a young family is chaotic at best, and with end-of-year pressure, financial stress and the festive season approaching, it’s common for couples to experience burnout and drift apart. However, with intentional effort and some practical strategies, it’s possible to rekindle that connection, build relational esteem and protect your relationship from burnout.
What is relationship burnout?
It’s essentially the emotional and physical exhaustion that couples experience following prolonged periods of stress. Parenting, sleep deprivation, financial strain and juggling multiple responsibilities can chip away at the energy couples normally use to stay connected. Relationship burnout is often punctuated by feelings of disconnection, frustration and resentment, making it harder for couples to communicate and engage positively together.
Protection over connection
During periods of extended stress, it’s common to move into survival mode, which means tending lovingly to your relationship isn’t exactly high on the priority list. When in survival mode, your prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, complex decision-making, empathy and reflection) essentially goes offline. Instead, your brain prioritises the amygdala – the threat-detection system that keeps us scanning for danger and focusing on immediate needs. The priority becomes protection, not connection.
5 signs of relationship burnout
While it can look different for every couple, common signs of relationship burnout include:
- Emotional distance: You feel more like housemates or co-parents and conversations revolve around logistics.
- Repair avoidance: You avoid deeper conversations because they feel like too much work, or because past attempts didn’t go well.
- Increased irritability: Minor behaviours, such as stacking the dishwasher, noise levels and forgotten tasks seem disproportionately frustrating.
- Apathy or “I can’t be bothered” energy: You stop making the effort, not because you don’t care, but because you’re exhausted. This can also show up as the following sign…
- Resentment: When couples feel unheard or that their needs are unmet, many stop expressing their needs altogether and frustrations accumulate quietly.
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Practical strategies to protect your relationship
Coming back from burnout doesn’t need to be complicated. Here are some practices you can start today.
1. “Turning towards”
When you’re in prolonged survival states, it’s easy to miss your partner’s bids for
connection. “Turning towards” is about intentionally noticing your partner’s attempts. Those small moments where they reach out for interaction, attention, affection or support. A bid might be as subtle as telling a joke, sharing a smile, commenting about their day, touching your shoulder or simply saying, “Hey, look at this”.
When you practise “turning towards”, it means responding, even briefly, by making eye contact, offering a gentle “Tell me more,” giving them a quick hug, acknowledging their emotion and reciprocating or sharing a smile
These micro-responses are the glue of secure relationships. They don’t require time, just awareness. Couples rarely fall apart from a single moment of disconnection. It’s the accumulation of missed bids that weakens connection over time.
2. Quit keeping score
When life feels stretched, it’s tempting to mentally tally who did what: who got more sleep, who did more housework and who earns more. Scorekeeping drains goodwill and creates an adversarial dynamic, as in two exhausted people standing on opposite sides. Comparison creates distance and competition, while collaboration moves us towards connection and being on the same side. Try shifting from: “You got to do this and I had to do that” to “Let’s figure out how we can support each other more effectively” or “How can we share this in a way that feels fair and balanced for both of us?”
Small reframes like the below can also help change the entire emotional climate of your home because you each feel more seen and valued in a time of high stress:
“Thanks for doing that.”
“I can see how much you’re holding.”
“How can I help lighten your load today?”
3. Positive communication
When we harbour resentment, it often seeps into our interactions through subtle, passive- aggressive comments. These behaviours, especially when displayed in front of others, can be deeply hurtful and create distance between partners.
It’s crucial to recognise this pattern and if you notice yourself slipping into it, pause to
reflect on what you might be holding so you can communicate this in a constructive way. For example, “This is what happened, this is the story I made up about it, this is how I made myself feel and this is what I’d like so we can feel close again.”
If you feel you might be stuck in this dynamic, pause before you speak to your partner and filter it through the lens of, “Is what I’m about to say going to bring me more or less of what I want?”
4. Ask for what you need (and help your partner succeed)
Many couples fall into the trap of expecting their partner to “just know” what they need. But sadly (and also thankfully) partners aren’t mind readers – even the deeply attuned ones. When you expect your partner to know what you need, it sets you up to be disappointed, which, in turn, can lead to frustration and anger. You may also often find yourself complaining, which doesn’t move you closer to the thing you want.
To help with this, shift from complaint to request. Instead of “You don’t listen” try “Could you put your phone down for five minutes so we can connect?”
Clearly expressed needs give your partner the roadmap for loving you well.
5. Follow through on commitments
Trust is built on micro-decision after micro-decision. If you say you’ll buy the milk, buy the milk. If you say you’ll take the bins out, do it. When you don’t follow through on even the smallest commitments, eventually you start to degrade the trust that your partner can rely on you.
Keeping small commitments also reinforces dependability, which is essential during stressful times. Without trusting your partner, you may feel it’s easier to do these things yourself, which leads to more separation and ultimately relationship burnout.
It’s not about being perfect
As you move through the often-overwhelming challenges of raising a small family,
particularly during the end-of-year wrap-up and pending festive season, it’s essential to recognise that relational burnout is a real and common struggle. By understanding the signs of burnout and implementing strategies to maintain connection, you set a solid foundation for navigating future stressful times together.
Maintaining connection is easier than finding your way back to each other after a period of emotional separation. Don’t despair if you find yourself in relationship burnout.
Acknowledge it and move towards creating the changes that can bridge feelings of
exhaustion and isolation. Remember that perfection isn’t the goal. When you inevitably get it wrong, it’s important to hold yourself, and your partner, in warm regard, offering compassion and understanding. In this way, you strengthen your bond and build resilience as a couple.
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